Just In The Mood To Ramble...

[teddy_radiator]

Another week of job hunting and writing, really. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing profound, nothing interesting. I am not exactly restless, but definitely suffering a bit of ennui.

The recording is coming along, slowly. I haven't used Adobe Audition in over a year, and it shows. It takes me forever to remember how to do the simplest of tasks in it.

I've turned in two exchange fics, and I really want to start reading - I'm soooo looking forward to seeing everyone's fics. I'm sorry the exchange mods have had a rough time of it, what with drop-outs and extension requests, especially since this is my first year, but what fun I had writing. God, I love to write. If I don't write something every day, I feel wrong. It must be how artists like sempraseverus , mimimanderly and howlingmojo feel when they don't draw every day. I envy you ladies (and so many other of you who are phenomenal artists), but I understand the need and addictive pleasure of simply creating something from within.

I think that's the sad thing about the whole Amy Winehouse thing. Such a creative talent, but opiates destroy creativity, IMHO, or rather, the addiction to them. I think she just got worn down, and it was pitiful to see her struggling so much. Well, I think she may be somewhere now where she can enjoy herself. Poor little lost one.

We all have our weaknesses; sometimes I think that's all I'm made of. I'm staring down the loaded end of my 49th birthday this week, and I feel slightly sick that I'm not quite where I wanted to be. Yet. But at the end of that tunnel, I can see light, and that comforts me. I don't know when I'll reach it, but I know it's there. IN the meantime, there is such joy in writing, in reading beautifully crafted fics (The next chapter of subvers 's Owned is up and instantly comes to mind), looking at beautiful drawings, like Sempra AccioHope, and Mimi's Tarot, which pleases me more than I can say. I am surrounded by creativity here, and it just fuels me like high-octane love.

Sorry to get so mawkish, but there you have it. You all are my addiction. Someone, I think it was dhark_charlotte , had a userpic that said: "LiveJournal: The real reason your house is a f*(%ing disaster". Yes, my friends, that would be me.

I know that when I get a job (cross fingers, light candles, sacrifice blonds) I won't have this much freedom, so now I'm enjoying it to the hilt.

Comments

[m-mcgonagall-65.livejournal.com]

I understand that feeling of reaching a certain age and realizing you're not where you thought you'd be by that time--we're relatively close in age. But it's interesting to me that you brought this up in a post with Amy Winehouse. Maybe there's something to that struggle. Think of how many people who are doing well in their "dreamed of" fields, especially at a young age, blow it all on some addiction. Maybe there's something to be thankful for in the struggle.

*hugs*

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

Oh, Sweetie... 49 is just a number. It's not who you are. You are Teddy, in all your gloriousness. You are not a number! Do yourself a favor, and simply FORGET your age. You can do it; just stop thinking about it. Think about sex instead... or Severus... or having sex with Severus... and Dahlra... a threesome.... Yeah! There ya go! Repeat as necessary.

[reg-flint.livejournal.com]

I have to write every day, and I post something every day (sometimes just to IJ or DW or A03) and if I don't it feels like some part of my mind is deeply cut, and the only salve for the wound is writing. Best of luck with Muse. My Muse is sighing at the moment. I'm 41 and could care less that I'm not 22. There are physical limitations but mentally you get freer the older you get. 49 is a kid compared to some (most!) others I know and like.

[irishredlass.livejournal.com]

LOL my thing is reading if I do not read something every day I become a biatch beyond belief. Reading gives me an opportunity to transcend reality and remove myself from the real world.

Age is but a state of being some days I am 100 others I am 12 what does my 42 year old body know?

[droxy.livejournal.com]

My PC is still trashed. This has been my worst year ever for teh exchange. makes me sad. Two fics! U did 2 fics!!! wow.

Happy Birthday hon. I am a loaded 49.

Yes we all seem to know our faults. I am being forced to lear the limits of time and space.

[justpinkpastel.livejournal.com]

Ramble on honey! I like to read your rambles. They are so much different than mine. Mine are full of incomplete sentences and improperly formed paragraphs. Even your rambles are interesting to read. I guess that is why you are meant to write.

Don't worry about your birthday. Every day that you write you are getting better. Don't think about your age, think about how all those days that you have been able to write, and how much you have improved in that time.

[andyissadangel.livejournal.com]

Oh, Teddy, age is just a number. Sometimes, when I read your posts and stories and ramblings, I have a feeling like you're 25 or something. Just like I thought that Sempra is actually around 28. Seriously.
But that's me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm 50 and not 23. I've seen so many things, been trough a lot, and that makes me feel old. Sometimes, I wish I could be just like other people my age, they enjoy going out, or partying and just be young. I have no such luck, I always think 10 steps ahead what this or that will do to me. But then again, when I read about people like Amy Winehouse, I'm grateful that I'm so responsible, and yes, such a bore. At least I have no fear of overdosing. Or really, getting hurt by being irresponsible, getting addicted to alcohol (tough, I shouldn't say that, because I don't know how my life will turn out).

So, you just ramble on, write, write and write, and just plain live like you want. If that means writing every day, or reading or eating chocolate, just do it. You only have one life, right?

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Very true, Blue very true. If I can just get a little part-time job, I will be in heaven. We'll see. I had a very promising lead yesterday.

Oh, age as a number doesn't bother as much as it did 10 years ago, that's a fact. And I still feel around 25 or so (when my old bones don't remind me otherwise!) But no, I'm not complaining. Being 49 and alive sure beats the alternative!