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teddy_radiatorHello, friends. I am ashamed at how long it's been since I've checked in. I've been such a heap of misery I was no good to be around.
Things are...strange. Trev and I are, in his words, 'being nice to each other,' which means no fighting, no sniping, no real dialogue. We are polite and courteous to one another, like two people who live in the same house but don't really know or like one another that much, but don't want any confrontations. The last big, big fight we had, I lost the ability to speak for several hours. I mean, I just couldn't talk, like I'd forgotten how. Opening and closing my mouth like a landed fish, but nothing happening. That scared me.
I have been riding my exercise bike for 7 solid weeks now, trying to get into shape for the thrilling trip to Orlando with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif){kind=small}
mywitch in December. It is all I've been living for. I know it will be the last of the fun times for awhile. Trev is going to the UK in February, and when he returns I'm pretty sure he will hit me with the news that he's planning on moving back there permanently. By now, I am ready to let it go, as much as it hurts to think of life without him, it's pretty painful living with a man who not only doesn't love me anymore but I'm pretty sure has no regard or respect for, either. I am training myself not to overthink things and break my own heart (heaven knows, he's broken enough of it already), and to prepare myself for being alone for probably the rest of my life.
I'm going to speak to a lawyer while he's away, and try to get my shit together, because I'm pretty sure that he's also going to demand half the house, since it's owned by us jointly. I am NOT going to sell it; it's the only real home I've ever had, and I love it, but I don't think I can get out of paying him for a good part of half of it. I'm going to see if I'm old enough for a reverse mortgage, and until that time, he's just going to have to live elsewhere. I still can't seem to make him pay half the bills, even though he's working and making more money than me now. I've at least guilted him into paying for groceries, gas and his own medical and phone bills. Everything else is on the back of yours truly.
See why I don't write often? I'm such a negative downer. But I am doing better, and thinking about writing, and podcasting again, on my own, of course, so that counts for something. I've also discovered a way of thinking about life, which came to me in a dream last night. I call it Water-Stones-Roots, and I am percolating it in my head, so when it's ready, I'll write about it.
I do want to start writing in my LJ again, if only to do something out of my own head. I've spent over a year in here, and it's a pretty bleak, tattered place. Thanks to you who have continued to reach out to me. It's been hard at times to do more than just drag myself to work and not fall apart 10 times a day. But I am better, and I will get better. Your support has been so very appreciated and treasured, even when I didn't have the energy to write back and tell you. I've been a shit friend this year.
It's been tough; my mother had an extremely bad fall this March, and may never have complete use of her shoulder again as a result. Three friends died of COVID, a good friend and talented musician was killed in a hideous car crash/fire due to a drunk driver, my younger cousin has been diagnosed with cancer in just about every organ in her body and doesn't have long to live. It has been a year of crushing sadness and loss, and right now, I am coping as well as I think I can. I've lived in this little bubble of sadness, waiting, I think, for it to be over, because, as much as I will miss him, I think the only way I'm going to ever be able to survive is after he leaves. This awful feeling of lost love is not healthy.
On the plus side, I'm fully vaccinated, and now that I survived last week's triple flu/pneumonia/shingles vaccine (don't do it, they lie when they tell you it won't bother you any more than a single shot), I'm starting to feel human again.
Thank you again. Just...thank you.
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no subject
Date: 2021-10-27 01:51 am (UTC)This will sound ridiculous, but I feel like everything is going to work out, in spite of everything. A lot of people care about you.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Date: 2021-10-27 01:55 am (UTC)It doesn't sound ridiculous to me — I hope with all my heart you are 100% right. Thank you.
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Date: 2021-10-27 01:54 am (UTC)Hugs and so so so much love. Be sure to tell the lawyer how you're paying most of the bills, they can leverage that in the proceedings. What an utter arse. You deserve so much better.
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Date: 2021-10-27 02:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-27 02:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-27 02:08 am (UTC)I want you to know that I never stopped looking for your name- somewhere or anywhere. And I didn't want to be one of those friends who wouldn't take "no" for and answer... so I waited.
Please know that I'm still here if you need me. If there is anything I can do, let me know. You and your friendship will always be precious to me.
💖💖💖💖💖
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Date: 2021-10-27 02:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-27 12:16 pm (UTC)•Please look into a very good lawyer, and start printing your bank statements for the last four or five years at a minimum.
•Get yourself separate bank accounts in your name and start moving money into them.
•Get your own credit card(s) in your own name.
•Write a "story" about what life has been like for you and Trev for the last four or five years.
And remember, I can help, and I care about what happens to you. (((hugs you)))
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Date: 2021-10-27 02:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-27 03:12 am (UTC)Talking to to a lawyer sounds like a very good idea so you know where you stand and what your options are.
I'll be sending good thoughts and vibes your way. Feel free to come here to LJ if you need support or just want to vent how you're feeling.
Hugs you tightly, dearie!
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Date: 2021-10-27 03:26 am (UTC)As everyone else here has said go talk to the lawyer, tell him you pay the bills and stand firm. I was once engaged to someone , that I was very unhappy with. I saw a book in a bookstore that was titled, don't say yes when you really want to say no. I bought the book and never read it, but I broke off the engagement that night. It was the right thing to do. Hang in there we're all here for you.
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Date: 2021-10-27 03:41 am (UTC)It sounds like you’re starting to be in an okay place. Not a good place or a great place, but those come later.
You’re in a situation where I have no advice to give, because really, what is the proper way to navigate this? I think seeing a lawyer as you’ve mentioned is an absolute. Beyond that, you just need to remember that you are worth so much more than the hand you’ve been dealt. If there are days where you lose sight of that, come on down to LJ and remember you’ve got a village. The beautiful thing about this corner of fandom is that you can disappear when you need to, come back when you can, and you’ll fall right into step, like you’ve never been gone.
I’m sorry for the loss of your friends, and the poor health of your family. It really has been a shit couple of years for so many. You haven’t been a bad friend. Anyone worth having as a friend will take whatever you have to give and call it enough. No one is keeping score of any kind, certainly not these days.
Three vaccines at once is horrible! Shame on anyone who is promoting that, but I see it all the time. That said, hooray for being better protected. I think we are in for a winter full of illness, just based o what I’ve seen so far this fall.
Hang in there and stay healthy and if nothing else is going right, just keep counting the days until your trip.
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Date: 2021-10-27 03:45 am (UTC)You are loved, and you are thought of. And we will be here when you feel more ready.
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Date: 2021-10-27 04:01 am (UTC)You are the opposite of a "shit friend" — you're lovely and kind and talented and just freaking wonderful and I love you to pieces. I am counting the days (35!!!) until I see your pretty face. We will have a blast and forget about all our troubles for a couple days.
Please do come hang out at the LJ watercooler more often. People here love you so much and care so deeply about you. We don't need anything from you, you are more than enough. And we are here for you, for anything at all.
Love you xxx
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Date: 2021-10-27 04:02 am (UTC)I hadn't heard about the trip with Mywitch; what fun! I honestly don't think you could have a better, kinder companion.
We love you. Let us help you however we can. I hope your mother improves.
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Date: 2021-10-27 10:39 am (UTC)I wish you all the best, dear, and I am sure things will get better once this piece of shit leaves.
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Date: 2021-10-27 05:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-27 06:32 pm (UTC)I still can't believe or understand why he thinks he doesn't have to pay bills and only barely covers groceries? Why does he think he's entitled to live rent-free in your house right now? And don't get me started on how you had to nurse him back to health a few years ago. He must have hit his head at some point and forgotten about that.
Hang in there, Teddy. You'll get through this. Like everyone else has said, lawyer-up and bring all receipts.
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Date: 2021-10-28 12:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-28 12:29 am (UTC)Had we known he would become such an arse, we’d have grabbed our pitchforks instead of sending get well cards…
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Date: 2021-10-27 10:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-10-28 12:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-11-04 11:51 pm (UTC)You are important to me and so many others; your absence has been keenly felt.
Please continue to get healthy and strong and make good plans for the future to protect yourself and your equity.
You are already so beautiful, i can't wait to see you coming out of this pain as a butterfly in time.
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Date: 2021-11-07 11:48 pm (UTC)Wishing you the strength and courage to face what is to come, and willing to be one of those here for you as you need, even though I may not be one of the closer friends you have in this world. Do think of you often and send positive energy when I can.
Have been offline myself for a huge amount of time, due to far too many things to list. Suffice it to say, in some ways, these last few years were sadly too similar to yours. In loss and pain I too withdrew, due to not wishing to drag others into the deep personal sorrow, and then later technical issues. Regardless of my fading into the shadows and at times lousy friendship skills, there are Amazing people here who have shown their care, even when I'm an idiot. Please accept the love and support of these beautiful souls, knowing that you are appreciated, even when it doesn't feel that way. Allow the honest affection to sooth your wounds and fill the gaps, so what if it's via a cyber conduit. Let the kindness be a balm to heal your hurt, as it's freely given.
There is nothing I can think of to offer you, other than the simple reminder that you are a phenomenal person. Period. What you did for him is above and beyond, and his response is foul. You are worth so much more than you realize. Please don't allow that person to dim your perceptions of yourself. He is truly not worth it. Though your heart aches for the lost love, know that you have people who care about you deeply. Even if it cannot be in person all the time, the love is no less real.
Ideas to consider:
Open a bank account in a close relative or friend's name. This takes a HUGE amount of trust, as you Don't want your name on the account. Have them give you the bank card and ALL paperwork, account numbers, etc. so you can access it as needed. Then slowly move money into the account via cash withdrawals at stores, so it simply looks like a grocery purchase, gas purchase, etc. When you buy the groceries, there is typically an automated question of if you'd like cash back too. At each place, the amount allowed varies, but you'd know how much is worth it to do at a time. Always Vary the amount, so it is less noticeable. This is something you can do now, as a small simple start to protect yourself during the major changes coming. Set it up as an Online access account, under an anonymous email that you Never access from your phone or personal devices at home. Tell No One except the person who who helps you, and make sure they never tell anyone and hopefully forget about it over time. It would be best if you had an alternate address to attach to this account. Yes, it seems so cloak and dagger, but you may need it just in case. Once something like this hits the courts, they will have access to Everything with your name on it. Have done this to help women in bad situations before, though yours may not be as dire as theirs were. Treat this as if you were going into witness protection, simply protecting yourself.
Go back to All the time you spent caring for him. Record Everything you did to take care of him, cooking cleaning, physical care, etc. You were in essence his Caregiver, an Unpaid one, so maybe that can be used to help lower what he is entitled to. Not to mention lost work hours, and All of the bills You paid. Include histories of all utilities, etc., that you paid. Any repair work you paid for on the house, plus All support you gave him when he was not employed. It's a hard mindset, and difficult to do when you're still feeling emotions for him. To come out on the other side in a good place, you may have to get ugly in your fight.
Pull as many years as you can get of the joint bank statements showing his income or lack thereof, you paying the bills in what amounts, etc.
Details count. If possible, record fights to prove his rotten behavior and support your case. Anything to build your case.
But above all, Be Safe.
no subject
Date: 2021-11-21 08:37 pm (UTC)Florida is lovely this time of year. Hopefully the nice weather will stick around for you; it's been in the high 70's most of the day and then drops at night, perfect for shorts during the day and then a nice light sweater in the evenings. It's heavenly.
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Date: 2021-12-04 01:59 pm (UTC)And when you're back, please take other friends' advice above--when you Lawyer Up, provide proof of the household expenses you've been forced to pay because he's behaving like some sort of privileged prima donna. Back when my parents divorced, my dad was given the right to $10k out of their home equity (in 1981 that was a fair chunk), though he was a full professor and she was just a teacher's assistant. A few years later he claimed this equity so he could send his new wife to grad school. My mom could have challenged the court order. She had once cashed out her whole retirement savings for his direct benefit. He owed her. But she got weirdly snooty and said he would suffer for his actions, and paid it out. It was so unnecessary. (Though if ever a man has suffered in subsequent marriages, it has been my father, so maybe she cursed that cashier's check all those years ago.) Anyway, get that lawyer, document your current financial arrangement ... and be ready to put a really juicy curse on something of his.