Post Modern Update, OR The pain of discipline is far easier to bear than the pain of regret....

[teddy_radiator]

Hello, friends. I am ashamed at how long it's been since I've checked in. I've been such a heap of misery I was no good to be around.

Things are...strange. Trev and I are, in his words, 'being nice to each other,' which means no fighting, no sniping, no real dialogue. We are polite and courteous to one another, like two people who live in the same house but don't really know or like one another that much, but don't want any confrontations. The last big, big fight we had, I lost the ability to speak for several hours. I mean, I just couldn't talk, like I'd forgotten how. Opening and closing my mouth like a landed fish, but nothing happening. That scared me.

I have been riding my exercise bike for 7 solid weeks now, trying to get into shape for the thrilling trip to Orlando with mywitch in December. It is all I've been living for. I know it will be the last of the fun times for awhile. Trev is going to the UK in February, and when he returns I'm pretty sure he will hit me with the news that he's planning on moving back there permanently. By now, I am ready to let it go, as much as it hurts to think of life without him, it's pretty painful living with a man who not only doesn't love me anymore but I'm pretty sure has no regard or respect for, either. I am training myself not to overthink things and break my own heart (heaven knows, he's broken enough of it already), and to prepare myself for being alone for probably the rest of my life.

I'm going to speak to a lawyer while he's away, and try to get my shit together, because I'm pretty sure that he's also going to demand half the house, since it's owned by us jointly. I am NOT going to sell it; it's the only real home I've ever had, and I love it, but I don't think I can get out of paying him for a good part of half of it. I'm going to see if I'm old enough for a reverse mortgage, and until that time, he's just going to have to live elsewhere. I still can't seem to make him pay half the bills, even though he's working and making more money than me now. I've at least guilted him into paying for groceries, gas and his own medical and phone bills. Everything else is on the back of yours truly.

See why I don't write often? I'm such a negative downer. But I am doing better, and thinking about writing, and podcasting again, on my own, of course, so that counts for something. I've also discovered a way of thinking about life, which came to me in a dream last night. I call it Water-Stones-Roots, and I am percolating it in my head, so when it's ready, I'll write about it.

I do want to start writing in my LJ again, if only to do something out of my own head. I've spent over a year in here, and it's a pretty bleak, tattered place. Thanks to you who have continued to reach out to me. It's been hard at times to do more than just drag myself to work and not fall apart 10 times a day. But I am better, and I will get better. Your support has been so very appreciated and treasured, even when I didn't have the energy to write back and tell you. I've been a shit friend this year.

It's been tough; my mother had an extremely bad fall this March, and may never have complete use of her shoulder again as a result. Three friends died of COVID, a good friend and talented musician was killed in a hideous car crash/fire due to a drunk driver, my younger cousin has been diagnosed with cancer in just about every organ in her body and doesn't have long to live. It has been a year of crushing sadness and loss, and right now, I am coping as well as I think I can. I've lived in this little bubble of sadness, waiting, I think, for it to be over, because, as much as I will miss him, I think the only way I'm going to ever be able to survive is after he leaves. This awful feeling of lost love is not healthy.

On the plus side, I'm fully vaccinated, and now that I survived last week's triple flu/pneumonia/shingles vaccine (don't do it, they lie when they tell you it won't bother you any more than a single shot), I'm starting to feel human again.

Thank you again. Just...thank you.

Comments

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad to see you're writing again on LJ. Like others, I've tried to give you the space you said you needed, but you never left your place in my heart. I'm so, so glad you're going on vacation! (Or are you on vacation now? The curse of being late to the comment party!) That's just what's called for, and I hope you both have a fantastic time. Remember you're not a shit friend, you're a gloriously funny and creative gypsy steampunk librarian, well loved by me and by all of us.

And when you're back, please take other friends' advice above--when you Lawyer Up, provide proof of the household expenses you've been forced to pay because he's behaving like some sort of privileged prima donna. Back when my parents divorced, my dad was given the right to $10k out of their home equity (in 1981 that was a fair chunk), though he was a full professor and she was just a teacher's assistant. A few years later he claimed this equity so he could send his new wife to grad school. My mom could have challenged the court order. She had once cashed out her whole retirement savings for his direct benefit. He owed her. But she got weirdly snooty and said he would suffer for his actions, and paid it out. It was so unnecessary. (Though if ever a man has suffered in subsequent marriages, it has been my father, so maybe she cursed that cashier's check all those years ago.) Anyway, get that lawyer, document your current financial arrangement ... and be ready to put a really juicy curse on something of his.