I'm Sorry, I'm Just Not Myself...

[teddy_radiator]

I'm going to ask your forgiveness in advance for this self-pitying rant. I just don't have anyone else I can talk to about this.

First of all, y'all have been so nice, and I thank you all for your support over these last few weeks. I honestly don't think I would be as sane as I am without you guys.

These last two weeks have been so difficult. The least of which was the whole deviantArt silliness, but hey, that was the catalyst for one of the very few good things happening right now. Our business is failing, and we've just about given up. It is so hard to put on a smiling face when you know that really nothing will change the inevitable and you are going to have to close the doors on your dream and your livelihood. I really think the Hubs has given up. He's being philosophical, and I'm trying, but I just feel so damn bad about it. I tell myself not to feel like a failure, put I do a little. It hasn't helped that the snow and ice meant we lost two days of revenue, either.

The stress has caused a health problem to re-emerge which makes me feel absolutely awful. About eight or so years ago, I was diagnosed with an ectopic heartbeat (skipped beats). I have them occasionally, but when I get stressed like this, they start happening more and more, and it becomes a vicious cycle that only my body will break. The skipped beats feel awful,and tire me easily, which then upsets me, which makes me more stressed, which causes more skipped beats...you get the idea. I went for a solid month doing this about 3 years ago, and I was exhausted, even though the doctors say there is nothing wrong with my heart. And just as the skipped beats started one day, they stopped and my heart went back to normal one day out of the blue. Just like they started, they stopped.

Now, they are ramping back up again, which fills me with dread and anxiety. Even though I know they aren't life threatening, they feel absolutely awful. It doesn't help that my sporadic menses decided to make a guest appearance yesterday (I'm starting menopause as well, which I'm sure isn't exactly helping), so I am just a depressed, anxious, fucked-up mess that can't concentrate.

My poor Muse! He comes every morning, crawls into bed beside me and strokes my back and tries to comfort me, because he knows I can't write like this. I am always near tears right now, my hormones blending in perfect disharmony with the events surrounding my failing business. As the old saying goes, my timing couldn't be better.

I don't have the energy or the imagination to write, even though the Muse has given me my assignment and all the answers to the test he will be giving afterward. I just need a little help to get started. I don't know what's worse: having writer's block and not knowing how to proceed, or knowing what I want to write and not having the energy to do it. Well, I do know. I'm grateful the Muse is still priming the pump.

I'm sorry to have off loaded all this on you, but I'm so sad and dispirited right now. I hate to be a bummer. I'll be fine soon, I promise. Thanks for letting me have a little blubber

Comments

[karelia.livejournal.com]

I've no advice to offer except the reassurance that this, too, will pass. Meantime, *hugs*

[eoforyth.livejournal.com]

There are a fair few of us who are/have been where you are now, so we know what it is like to be able to vent here (I know I do).

Lots of hugs, and hoping that things turn around for you soon.

[irishredlass.livejournal.com]

{{hugs}} this is one of the beauties of LJ when life gets sucktastic your friends gather 'round.

You need not feel bad for off loading here there is no safer place to do so! I speak from experience as this community has brought me through one of the most horrible yet beneficial times of my life (the ending of a ten year relationship that was long over due check out one_bad_man if you are interested).

Remember Karelia is right this too shall pass, but we will be here to hold your had in the interim and after.

[pennswoods.livejournal.com]

*sends healing vibes*

[majorjune.livejournal.com]

Today was a blubbery day for me, too...must be something going around. :-/

Even though I know they aren't life threatening, they feel absolutely awful. It doesn't help that my sporadic menses decided to make a guest appearance yesterday

Have you ever gone to an endocrynologist to have your thryroid and andrenals checked? Might be worth your while.

I don't have the energy or the imagination to write, even though the Muse has given me my assignment and all the answers to the test he will be giving afterward.

I can relate; my own fanfic's been on hold for awhile, awaiting a brainstorm on how to get it from "here" to "there", and the fact that I have a condition that's causing me to have severe anemia doesn't help, many times I'm so tired I just zone out...

I know it's easier said than done, but try to relax (I'm sure you must have some types of relaxing/stress-relieving teas!), and keep in mind that this may be a path to something better.

I used to have a framed picture of the Chinese glyph for the word "disaster", printed under it was an explanation that within the glyph for "disaster" was the glyph for the word "opportunity"...

Sometimes an existing structure needs to come down for a new, bigger, better one to be constructed.

(So says the woman who's been unemployed since May, so just take my ramblings with a grain of salt...) :-)

[m-mcgonagall-65.livejournal.com]

Aw, sweetie. *hugs* Hang in there, and I hope things are looking better and/or that you're feeling better soon. (Hopefully both!)

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

It sounds like something akin to a panic attack. At least you KNOW that it's not life threatening, so that's one less thing to worry about. I find that breathing exercises help calm me. I follow this with a few minutes of meditation. It might be something you want to try... or not. If you want more details, pm or e-mail me.

You have heard of foreshadowing, I'm sure? Perhaps your problem with DA foreshadowed your current situation with the restaurant. It was a way of preparing you and reassuring you, perhaps. I mean, think back to how awful you felt about DA... then just a few hours later, there was an outpouring of love over here for you, and you found yourself in a much better situation. It may happen that the same thing is occurring with the restaurant. I know that it's been your dream. But maybe a different, better dream may be in the offing? They say that when a door closes, a window opens. (Failing THAT, I just grab a sledgehammer and start battering on the walls!) I know that it's hard to think positively right now, but serendipity may be in the offing. Things must be torn down before they can be rebuilt. I will pray that a better situation come along for you forthwith!

You are fortunate that the Muse is there, giving you love and guidance. Please know that he can guide you in so much more than just story ideas. But you have to ask. He will not volunteer to help.

Know that I am thinking of you, love, and feel free to e-mail me if you want/need to.

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

LJ is a great place to unload, and you have friends here who understand, and will offer support in any way they can.

My Draco has an irregular heartbeat/heart condition, and we've had periods of almost unreal stress in years past that had me so scared for him, as it would cause chest pains and fear of the unknown ... but all things pass, and I really hope that things work out for you, either with your current venture, or a door to one even better if not. We're here, do not hesitate to unload when you must.

[blueartemis07.livejournal.com]

Many hugs. This is one of the best places to unload, there is so much life experience. These lovely ladies helped me get through a bad bout of post-partum depression and they are the best cheerleaders and sounding boards ever.

[talesofsnape.livejournal.com]

Here is where it's safe to offload, honey! No one will think any less of you for it.

I have chronic depression, and the meds, well, you know the Pink Floyd song, Comfortably Numb... There are times when I just have to take them and put up with the side-effects. There are good periods where (in consultation with my doc) I manage to tail them off, but then if there's some sort of crisis, it'll knock me into a complete tailspin. Every time, whether I'm just tired of being tired or whether I feel like I'm totally cracking up, my FL is there to help me through and yours will be there for you now.

Sending you all the love I can.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you, tales. I know tomorrow will be another day, and I'll be fine. It's just that, sometimes you just have to vent, and thankfully my friends here are a very understanding bunch who are always there to make me feel better.

[talesofsnape.livejournal.com]

Whatever happens, we'll all be around. Now that we've kidnapped you from dA, we won't let you go.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Nowhere else I'd rather be! Thank you so much for the otter - that was so sweet - it's my first gift. I'll treasure it.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Sempra, thanks... you know I believe in the power of good vibes and good feelings... and I know this, too, shall pass, and I'll be okay... I'll be back fat and sassy as ever, soon... The Muse is being very tender and keeping me close... he sends hugs to you, and makes a very sweet sound when your name is mentioned....

[droxy.livejournal.com]

Dump, rant, bitch....

I gave up on my business too. Don't feel bad. It sucks working for corporate america, but the business was killing me time wise and stress and insecurity. I was the business. It was a good experience, but long term it was too much and too much time away from home. I wasnt home for 7 years. But maybe one of you needs to get steady income. I dont know why your business is failing, could be everything from the economy to the weather to location. -sigh- But if you were meeting expenses,one could stay on and like I said, another could get a steady job.

[bonsaibetz.livejournal.com]

*BIGHUGS*

[alwaysimploding.livejournal.com]

I´m sorry! Things will change, they always do.

*BIG HUGS*

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you, all of you, for understanding and allowing me to have a little cry. Your empathy and good vibes can be felt warming and melting the snow around my house, and I promise you I will try to keep my moping to a minimum. You are all such good, good people to care enough to send me your hugs and well wishes, and even though I'm sorry that some of you have shared the same fate (losing a business), I can see that you emerged on the other side and found success in other ways. I keep telling myself that I'm not a failure, that we've done everything we could do, but there is a proud streak in me a mile wide that doesn't want to give up. Thank you all for being there for me. Y'all are good, good, people, as my Dad Pat would have said.

[dharkapparition.livejournal.com]

*hugs

So sorry y'all are having so much trouble.

[ayerf.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

It's good to vent. I hope it helps to do so, it does with me. I just wish I could think of something to say, besides that I'm sorry and *hugs*

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

It does help to vent and I feel better for it, I really do. Thanks for being there for me.

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

*holds and rocks you*

I know that heart thing - I had it a lot when I was doing my PhD. Scary and tiring, but it's mostly the anxiety that is tiring, I think. Deep breathing exercises from yoga helped and help me.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. Things have been better today. Sometimes I think you just need to vent a little. I worry more about the Hubs. I can get here and rant and rave and he just internalises things. He's so precious, but being the reserved, stiff-upper-lip Brit he is, he just represses everything.

[juniperus.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I had writers block all last year--as in I wrote all of 500 words the whole year--and it was culmination of massive stress on top of massive stress, too.

The dams will break open, eventually. Take care of you. Really.


I'm sorry hear about what's happening to your shop... the economy continues to eat the very small businesses that make communities special, and it's a massive loss to us in so many ways...

[clairvoyant.livejournal.com]

Vent away, teddy. That's what we're here for: moral support, some sage advice, and virtual hugs (and margaritas).

You have no idea how your current business situation hits so close to home for me. My husband and I had our own gourmet/basket shop. We were forced to close it about thirteen years ago. We're on the other side of that now, but the loss still hurts. There's nothing like the independence of your own business, but there's a lot of grief that goes with that too, especially the whims of local economies.

I like the hopefulness of Mimi's comment and the sage advice Droxy offers. The shop is your dream, and if you could hold onto that while you or hubs takes an outside job to cover costs, that would be ideal.

As for the writing, just give it time. I know that I need peace, or at least a pleasant mood to support my writing. But if you have the energy and the mood, go for it!

*hugs and healing vibes*

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thanks, babe. I feel much better. All those healing vibes are being felt.

[beffeysue.livejournal.com]

Hugs you lots! Check your email cuz I PM'd you.
Beffey

[sunnythirty3.livejournal.com]

Sounds like the palpitations are anxiety related, so remember that's a problem with the nerves controlling the heart responses rather than the heart structure itself. I know you love tea, but cutting out any with caffeine for a while may help reduce the ectopics. *hugs*

[andyissadangel.livejournal.com]

Teddy, we are all here for you, so if you need to rant, just do it. No one will think that you are weak person because of it. No, you are a stronger person, because you have the courage to confide in us, and to tell us about your problems. Yes, I know, we can't do much about your business, but we can all give you our support, and we do. We are all here for you. If you lose your business, we'll be here for you to help you cope, to console you and to help you feel better. If you manage to keep the business, we will be here cheering for you, and congratulating you. Because we are your friends, and friends support each other. Yes, we may be strangers, whom you've never seen, but still, we are friends, who wish you only good in life.

I see something of myself in you. You said you have a proud streak, and that you feel like a failure. Sometimes, I feel the same. I know it's hard to accept that, but sometimes you don't have control of some things in your life, and they will eventually fail. But that doesn't mean that YOU are a failure. No, quite the opposite. Some people have the same wishes as you, but they are afraid to try anything, because they fear failure. You and Hubs tried. And you still do. And you're doing everything you can for your shop. And for me, that isn't a failure, that is success! Ok, yes, maybe you'll have to close the shop, but the fact that you tried to do everything in your power is a success to me. And I certainly don't see you as a failure. I see you as someone who lived trough many things (some of which you told me, some of which you didn't), and you survived them with your head held up high. And you're still living! A lot of people would give up long before now.

So, if you have to rant, go ahead. We are here.
- BlueRavenAngel

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Blue, I bless the day you decided to join us over here at LJ and stay close and in touch. You are such an encouragement at this time, and I'm just so thankful that I have so many friends here that care enough to write and give me strength.

I know what, whatever happens, I've got friends who care, and sometimes, that's all you need. Thank you, sweetheart, for being there.

[andyissadangel.livejournal.com]

And now you made me blush =)

But, seriously. You're here for me, and of course I'm here for you. You listend to me rant on several occasions, and you gave me advices and you were just here, while my real-life friends don't have a clue what's happening to me, because they just aren't here.

And no problem. I'll stay here.