I'm Sorry, I'm Just Not Myself...
Jan. 14th, 2011 08:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
teddy_radiatorI'm going to ask your forgiveness in advance for this self-pitying rant. I just don't have anyone else I can talk to about this.
First of all, y'all have been so nice, and I thank you all for your support over these last few weeks. I honestly don't think I would be as sane as I am without you guys.
These last two weeks have been so difficult. The least of which was the whole deviantArt silliness, but hey, that was the catalyst for one of the very few good things happening right now. Our business is failing, and we've just about given up. It is so hard to put on a smiling face when you know that really nothing will change the inevitable and you are going to have to close the doors on your dream and your livelihood. I really think the Hubs has given up. He's being philosophical, and I'm trying, but I just feel so damn bad about it. I tell myself not to feel like a failure, put I do a little. It hasn't helped that the snow and ice meant we lost two days of revenue, either.
The stress has caused a health problem to re-emerge which makes me feel absolutely awful. About eight or so years ago, I was diagnosed with an ectopic heartbeat (skipped beats). I have them occasionally, but when I get stressed like this, they start happening more and more, and it becomes a vicious cycle that only my body will break. The skipped beats feel awful,and tire me easily, which then upsets me, which makes me more stressed, which causes more skipped beats...you get the idea. I went for a solid month doing this about 3 years ago, and I was exhausted, even though the doctors say there is nothing wrong with my heart. And just as the skipped beats started one day, they stopped and my heart went back to normal one day out of the blue. Just like they started, they stopped.
Now, they are ramping back up again, which fills me with dread and anxiety. Even though I know they aren't life threatening, they feel absolutely awful. It doesn't help that my sporadic menses decided to make a guest appearance yesterday (I'm starting menopause as well, which I'm sure isn't exactly helping), so I am just a depressed, anxious, fucked-up mess that can't concentrate.
My poor Muse! He comes every morning, crawls into bed beside me and strokes my back and tries to comfort me, because he knows I can't write like this. I am always near tears right now, my hormones blending in perfect disharmony with the events surrounding my failing business. As the old saying goes, my timing couldn't be better.
I don't have the energy or the imagination to write, even though the Muse has given me my assignment and all the answers to the test he will be giving afterward. I just need a little help to get started. I don't know what's worse: having writer's block and not knowing how to proceed, or knowing what I want to write and not having the energy to do it. Well, I do know. I'm grateful the Muse is still priming the pump.
I'm sorry to have off loaded all this on you, but I'm so sad and dispirited right now. I hate to be a bummer. I'll be fine soon, I promise. Thanks for letting me have a little blubber
First of all, y'all have been so nice, and I thank you all for your support over these last few weeks. I honestly don't think I would be as sane as I am without you guys.
These last two weeks have been so difficult. The least of which was the whole deviantArt silliness, but hey, that was the catalyst for one of the very few good things happening right now. Our business is failing, and we've just about given up. It is so hard to put on a smiling face when you know that really nothing will change the inevitable and you are going to have to close the doors on your dream and your livelihood. I really think the Hubs has given up. He's being philosophical, and I'm trying, but I just feel so damn bad about it. I tell myself not to feel like a failure, put I do a little. It hasn't helped that the snow and ice meant we lost two days of revenue, either.
The stress has caused a health problem to re-emerge which makes me feel absolutely awful. About eight or so years ago, I was diagnosed with an ectopic heartbeat (skipped beats). I have them occasionally, but when I get stressed like this, they start happening more and more, and it becomes a vicious cycle that only my body will break. The skipped beats feel awful,and tire me easily, which then upsets me, which makes me more stressed, which causes more skipped beats...you get the idea. I went for a solid month doing this about 3 years ago, and I was exhausted, even though the doctors say there is nothing wrong with my heart. And just as the skipped beats started one day, they stopped and my heart went back to normal one day out of the blue. Just like they started, they stopped.
Now, they are ramping back up again, which fills me with dread and anxiety. Even though I know they aren't life threatening, they feel absolutely awful. It doesn't help that my sporadic menses decided to make a guest appearance yesterday (I'm starting menopause as well, which I'm sure isn't exactly helping), so I am just a depressed, anxious, fucked-up mess that can't concentrate.
My poor Muse! He comes every morning, crawls into bed beside me and strokes my back and tries to comfort me, because he knows I can't write like this. I am always near tears right now, my hormones blending in perfect disharmony with the events surrounding my failing business. As the old saying goes, my timing couldn't be better.
I don't have the energy or the imagination to write, even though the Muse has given me my assignment and all the answers to the test he will be giving afterward. I just need a little help to get started. I don't know what's worse: having writer's block and not knowing how to proceed, or knowing what I want to write and not having the energy to do it. Well, I do know. I'm grateful the Muse is still priming the pump.
I'm sorry to have off loaded all this on you, but I'm so sad and dispirited right now. I hate to be a bummer. I'll be fine soon, I promise. Thanks for letting me have a little blubber
