In Which Cowardly Teddy Raises Her Head Above The Parapet

[teddy_radiator]

Well, it's been a strange and painful week, to say the least.

It's snowing to beat the band in my little Southern neck of the woods, so I hope wherever you are that you are warm and safe and don't have to battle any bad weather where you are.

This past week has been very difficult for me. I had to go underground. The death of Alan Rickman hit me like a ton of bricks. Normally, TheHubs™ is the first out of bed and the first online, and he is the one who broke the news that David Bowie had died. A very sad thing, and one that we'd spent a lot of drive time discussing. On the particular morning in question, however, I was the first one online, and the first thing I saw when I logged in was irishredlass' FB post announcing Alan Rickman had died. I was absolutely devastated. I sat here and cried my eyes out for a solid hour. I shocked myself at how emotionally overwrought the news made me. It was at that moment I posted my one and only tribute to him, because I was still in shock.

As the morning passed, even seeing his photo sent me into a tailspin. I shut down LJ and FB feeds online, because of all the tributes coming in. I found them so upsetting - I couldn't look at them.

It's been a very hard week to get my head around my own reaction to this man's death. I spend a huge amount of time inside my own head, and I was surprised at the amount of space he hadtaken up in there. He had been such an inspiration for the way I wrote Severus Snape, and indeed my own character Dahlra Gar. I think mywitch put it the most succintly, when we were talking about it, and I found a lot of comfort in knowing that my feelings and how I reacted to them were not isolated. mywitch, as well as you all, were a lot braver than me - you took the time to read the beautiful messages and tributes and articles about him. I still can't. I still scroll past any photos of him and avoid any articles. I still don't know all the details of his illness. I can't think about it. I realised then what a coward I am - you mourned and showed your grief by talking about him and posting the beautiful photos of him - I mourned by shutting all of that out of my life.

I have always been one of those who scoffed when people became distraught over the death of a celebrity. I used to be the first to say, "Oh FFS, you never even met him, and he certainly never knew you!" or "You didn't know him or spend any time with him, how can you be so upset?" or the ever convenient, "Oh, grow up for goodness sake!"

Oh karma, please let my words be sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.

I have become one of those people I jeered at. I have withdrawn to the world of work and external stimuli like coloring books and movies. I fled the space in my head where he once resided. It's cold and lonely out here, and even as much as it is empty inside, at least it was a place I understood. It's where my imagination lies, and getting back has been a chore. Because stories are popping up in my head right and left; I am being compelled to write, but getting the information from my head to my fingers seems a Herculean task. I'm so very slow now, where once I could write for hours and hours and not come up for air. It's frightening to be this blocked off. I don't have writer's block; I have typist's block.

Well, anyhoo, that's the way of my week. I want to thank those of you who were so thoughtful and checked up on me. Several of you wrote me and said, "The moment I heard the news I thought of you." That is so very nice of you. I don't know what I've done to deserve that, but thank you.

And in the midst of all this, we had put out a podcast. You can tell we did the majority of the recording before all the bad news happened - we're very jocular and our subject matter is still quite New Years-ish. Still, I think it's a pretty good podcast if you'd like to have a listen. You can hear it by clicking on the graphic below:

Well, I'm going to attempt to write a little more today, if for no other reason than to try and warm myself up. I hope you are all okay, and I hope you will forgive me for not being more involved in the community at a time when the rest of you banded together and faced the news as a community.

Comments

[beffeysue.livejournal.com]

I was and still am very sad at the death of Alan Rickman. At first even reading my beloved SSHG was painful, but I'm back to reading stories, both old and new, and my Alan focus is now on hoping that Rima and his family are finding some peace in their hearts and lives.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

That's a great attitude to have.

[beffeysue.livejournal.com]

It's the only way I can get past a sense of loss. Alan's interpretation Colonel Brandon helped me get past the loss of my husband... it was the last good cry I needed to have.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

{{{Hugs}}} I love you, Beffey. ♥

[pauraque]

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling right now. I don't think you have anything to apologize for; we all cope with sadness in our own way. ♥

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear. I appreciate the support. I really do.

[hbart.livejournal.com]

I have a lot to say about this, so settle in young lady. I was actually glad to hear you say that you hid and that you feel like your brand of mourning was inappropriate. Not because I want you to feel bad about your week, but because you said exactly what I was feeling. On the other side. I was shocked to see that Alan Rickman died, especially on the heels of David Bowie. I hadn't even known he was sick. I'm not sure if that is because I don't keep up with celebrity news much, or because British actors are so much more classy about their private lives than many in Hollywood. But I took to social media where people were crying their eyes out, staying home from work, devastated by this news, and all I could think about was how freakishly unaffected I felt. I actually felt guilty that I took five minutes out of my day to grieve the loss, then went about my day. I, too, had to stay off social media because people's reactions made me feel bad about my lack thereof. I think perhaps for me, I work in a business where death is a daily thing, and it isn't that I've removed the import from a person's life and death, but that I've become a little numb in order to survive the constant blow of losing someone. That said, I'm something of an expert on grief and loss, so I will say to you (and to myself), the only right way to grieve and mourn is your own way. No two people are alike, and no one can tell you how you should react to a situation, or how you should feel, or how you should respond. So, hide if you want. Spew forth tributes if you want. But don't ever apologize for something you've not done wrong. *hugs you*. If I'm going to hide for anything, it'll be because we sent a blizzard your way. Sorry. :)

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

all I could think about was how freakishly unaffected I felt.

That's where I was and I felt oddly guilty about it. There were people who wrote me to tell me that they were wondering if I was okay and worried about how I'd handled the news and it felt awful to say, while it was a sad thing and I was hurting for the people who were very affected and for my fandom which seemed to be in mourning, that I myself, was fine. I never enjoyed the HP films and I while had enjoyed AR's work in the films I'd watched him in, I never had the sort of connection to him on a personal so many people I know seemed to.

It's one of those things that you really can't expect a uniform reaction to, everyone's going to deal with it in the way they have to.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

So YOU'RE to blame for the .8 inches of snow that blanketed - er, dusted my lawn!

Thanks babe. You always have a great way of looking at things.

[arwitchywoman.livejournal.com]

Please search throughsubversa's LJ entries for the past week. She posted an amazing ramble about how science recognizes our grief for celebrities and how it is both normal and healthy to mourn them. Reading her post immediately brought me out of my depressed funk over losing AR.
The only thing still tugging at me is not hearing anything about an actual funeral. I think if I knew there was one, it would bring me closure.
*hugs*

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I realise there is a legitimate 'why' for my grief; just learning to cope with it is a different matter. I think it will take us all time to learn to live without him.

[delphipsmith]

Like you, I've always been a bit baffled by people who were hit hard by the death of a celebrity, and mentally rolled my eyes at what I thought of as their dramatics. Now, having cried off and on for three days after I heard, I have a bit more sympathy :/ But oh hon, please don't beat yourself up about this. Everyone grieves in different ways; none is right or wrong and none is brave or cowardly -- they're just different. Grief is about doing what you need to do to cope, to come to terms, to heal. Maybe in six months you will want to read what others said about him; maybe never. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you mourn in a way that's right for you. No one will tell you you're doing it wrong (at least no one around here). ::hugs::

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thanks, babe. Even now, it will hit me, or someone will mention it, and I feel a great loss within. I think we will all have to take our time and learn to live without him in our own way.

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry this has been so difficult for you, but you're going to deal with it however it is you deal with it. It's not really a right or wrong thing you know? *hugs*

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thanks, babe. And thanks for checking up on me. I really appreciated your gentle hugs.

[gelsey.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight* everyone grieves differently, darling. Don't beat yourself up about it. And we're here for you all the way.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you sweetie. You are always so supportive and encouraging, and I appreciate it so very much.

[lenaa1987.livejournal.com]

It's not cowardly - we deal with things how we deal with things, and sometimes not dealing is a part of that. It's a mark of a sensitive and inviting soul, in my opinion, to care about and even just to acknowledge the death of someone they've never met.

Remember that whatever works for you is what works. No guilt - just love.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I've been overwhelmed by my own reaction to it all, but I'm glad I have friends here who understand.

[alisanne.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie! {{{Hugs}}} you back.

[kellychambliss.livejournal.com]

I hear you, dear Teddy. I'm just gutted by the loss of Rickman; like you, I had no idea he'd settled so firmly in my psyche. As much as I love his on-screen Snape, he's never been my head-canon for the character, so I was surprised to find that, for the moment at least, I can't write my own Snape any more. This will pass, of course, but it's hard to take now.

Hope you're staying warm!

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I am going through the exact same thing, Kelly. I actually dropped out of a fest because I just didn't have the heart to write him right now. I am writing, but not really using any names. I'm just grateful that I can write at all, you know?

[hikorichan.livejournal.com]

You know what? We all grieve in our own ways. There's no better/worse way to do it. So if what you need is space and time, that is okay. Take as much as you need.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie. It's good to be with friends.

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

I kind of figured that's what you were doing. Even though I saw all the tributes online, I somehow couldn't bring myself to comment on them or even post a tribute of my own. He was a big part of my life for several years -- in fact HE is the reason I decided to get a computer in the first place. Before I discovered AR, I was content to use the one in the library around the corner. I think all the tributes and pictures of him just sent me into overload. I was depressed for a while, then I had a big cry in the shower. (My favorite place to have a big cry, for some reason. You know how the sound of running water makes some people want to pee? Well, with me, if I'm in that kind of mood, it enables me to cry. Afterwards, I felt clean inside and out. I completely can recommend shower cries.) I think it was the shock of it being so unexpected. I knew Bowie was going to die soon; I had heard he was sick a while back. But I hadn't heard anything of the sort about AR. And he was relatively young -- only ten years older than me. I mean, it's not young young... but far too young to die, IMHO. I think he pulled a Seinfeld, and decided he wanted to leave them wanting more.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Well, they say a gentleman always knows when to leave a party, and he was that in spades.

I think, in many ways, he was the final catalyst in finding Dahlra. All my life, up until now, I had seen glimpses of him, felt his presence, understood there was something more but not 'getting' it. It's like I'd been gathering pieces of Dahlra up through the years, and when I saw HIM as Snape, this embodiment of dark-haired, dark-eyed, severely beautiful, soft-spoken and strong, that the final piece locked into place, and the years of frustration and confusion were suddenly made straight. I will always be grateful to him, not only for the body of work he produced, not only for his beautiful voice and face and integrity, but for being that last puzzle piece that made my own life snap into focus.

I still feel absolutely gutted when I think he's gone - so very young, as you say. I think he had more to do, and planned to do more. It's a sadder, greyer world without his musical voice and beautiful face. I think it will be a long time before I can read all the tributes. I posted a photo today on FB, and that felt like a gargantuan step to me. Just seeing his face or reading his name still distresses me. I am just so grateful I'm among friends here who understand. {{{Hugs}}}

[mywitch.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you've dipped your toe back into LJ. There is a lot of love for you here.
{{hugs}}

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie. Our FB conversations have helped me to travel miles beyond where I would be if I'd been on my own up until this point.

[mywitch.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, 100% right back atcha. I would have been lost with you and all your kind words. <3

[birdsofshore]

I thought of you when I came on LJ after I heard the news. I can completely understand you not wanting to participate in that public grieving. Just do whatever you need to do. And it's good to see you.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I am truly touched.

[deslea.livejournal.com]

I did post a one-sentence thing, but on the whole I've been avoiding it too. I don't think it hit me the way it's hit you, but it certainly did hit, and I really don't want to get too close to it just yet. I think, when it comes to celebrities and grief, we latch onto celebs that speak in some way to some need in us, and it's completely natural to grieve when someone who spoke to us that way is gone. Hang in there. xxx

[droxy.livejournal.com]

Hugs hon.