How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex and Rule the World in 8 Easy Steps

[teddy_radiator]

TheHubs(R) discovered this lovely bit of writing by Kate Bartolotta and read it aloud to me. Aside from the fact that I'll let him read me pretty much anything because I love the sound of his voice, I found this funny, moving and above all true to the max:

The covers of most men’s and women’s magazines have similar headlines: get great abs and have amazing sex.

From the looks of it, these two issues have been recycled over and over (with some other stereotypically gender relevant articles thrown in) on every Men’s Health, Maxim, Cosmo and Glamour cover since the dawn of time. In fact, I’d bet that if we could get a better translation of cave drawings, they would read something like “Grok get flat belly; make girl Grok moan with joy.”

And we keep buying them. We keep buying this lie that these things will make us happy. I’ve had washboard abs (past-tense) and I’ve had some pretty phenomenal sex. Neither one made me a better person; neither one completed me or made my life more fulfilling.

We chase this idea of “I will be happy when…”

I will be happy when I have a new car. I will be happy when I get married. I will be happy when I get a better job. I will be happy when I lose five pounds. What if instead we choose to be happy—right now?

If you can read this, your life is pretty awesome.

Setting aside our first world problems and pettiness, if you are online reading this, you have both electricity and wifi or access to them. Odds are you are in a shelter of some sort, or on a smart phone (and then kudos to you for reading this on the go). Life might bump and bruise us, it may not always go the way we plan and I know I get frustrated with mine, but here’s the thing
You are alive.

Because you are alive, everything is possible.

So about those eight tips…

1. Stop believing your bullshit.

All that stuff you tell yourself about how you are a commitment-phobe or a coward or lazy or not creative or unlucky? Stop it. It’s bullshit, and deep down you know it. We are all insecure 14-year-olds at heart. We’re all scared. We all have dreams inside of us that we’ve tucked away because somewhere along the line we tacked on those ideas about who we are that buried that essential brilliant, child-like sense of wonder. The more we stick to these scripts about who we are, the longer we live a fraction of the life we could be living. Let it go. Be who you are beneath the bullshit.

2. Be happy now.

Not because “The Secret” says so. Not because of some shiny happy Oprah crap. But because we can choose to appreciate what is in our lives instead of being angry or regretful about what we lack. It’s a small, significant shift in perspective. It’s easier to look at what’s wrong or missing in our lives and believe that is the big picture—but it isn’t. We can choose to let the beautiful parts set the tone.

3. Look at the stars.

It won’t fix the economy. It won’t stop wars. It won’t give you flat abs, or better sex or even help you figure out your relationship and what you want to do with your life. But it’s important. It helps you remember that you and your problems are both infinitesimally small, and conversely, that you are a piece of an amazing and vast universe. I do it daily; it helps.

4. Let people in.

Truly. Tell people that you trust when you need help, or you’re depressed—or you’re happy and you want to share it with them. Acknowledge that you care about them, and let yourself feel it. Instead of doing that other thing we sometimes do, which is to play it cool and pretend we only care as much as the other person has admitted to caring, and only open up half-way. Go all in—it’s worth it.

5. Stop with the crazy making.

I got to a friend’s doorstep the other day, slightly breathless and nearly in tears after getting a little lost, physically and existentially. She asked what was wrong and I started to explain and then stopped myself and admitted: I’m being stupid and have decided to invent lots of problems in my head. Life is full of obstacles; we don’t need to create extra ones. A great corollary to this one is from The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz : Don’t take things personally. Most of the time, other people’s choices and attitudes have absolutely nothing to do with you. Unless you’ve been behaving like a jerk, in which case…

6. Learn to apologize.

Not the ridiculous, self-deprecating apologizing for who you are and for existing that some people seem to do (what’s up with that, anyway?). The ability to sincerely apologize—without ever interjecting the word “but”—is an essential skill for living around other human beings. If you are going to be around other people, eventually you will to apologize. It’s an important practice.

7. Practice gratitude.

Practice it out loud to the people around you. Practice it silently when you bless your food. Practice it often. Gratitude is not a first world only virtue. I saw a photo recently, of a girl in abject poverty, surrounded by filth and destruction. Her face was completely lit up with joy and gratitude as she played with a hula hoop she’d been given. Gratitude is what makes what we have enough. Gratitude is the most basic way to connect with that sense of being an integral part of the vastness of the universe; as I mentioned with looking up at the stars, it’s that sense of wonder and humility, contrasted with celebrating our connection to all of life.

8. Be kind.

Kurt Vonnegut said it best (though admittedly, and somewhat ashamedly—I am not a Vonnegut fan):
There’s only one rule that I know of, babies—”God damn it, you’ve got to be kind.”

Kindness costs us nothing and pays exponential dividends. I can’t save the whole world. I can’t bring peace to Syria. I can’t fix the environment or the healthcare system, and from the looks of it, I may end up burning my dinner.

But I can be kind.

If the biggest thing we do in life is to extend love and kindness to even one other human being, we have changed the world for the better.

That’s a hell of a lot more important than flat abs in my book.

Comments

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

Words to live by. Thank you.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

You're so welcome! I think this is going to be my mental checklist when I get out of bed every morning.

[clairvoyant.livejournal.com]

So funny and yet it rings so true. Thanks for sharing. :D

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

It made me think, and sort of gave me a mental checklist to use when on my daily walk of life.

[droxy.livejournal.com]

This. people say I am nuts because I believe we are responsible for our own happiness. I also believe alot of people create unnecessary drama.

I've never had flat abs. Never.

I am also of the opinion that we can change out lives, but we need to get off our butts and make or try to make the changes. But that's hard to do, as so many folks have a victim mentality. I think people are taught the victim mentality. I know individual change of regular folks doesn't stop wars, or bullying, or a hundred other "isms' that exist. But happiness is also relative, and it begins within us. It begins with item #7.

I can be kind, I can be informed.

I know I am blessed in many ways.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

You are absolutely right. No one can make us react or feel or say or do anything. We are responsible for everything we do. I am a work in progress; it took me a lot longer to get it in my thick head that I was no different from anyone else on that front (I think my basic narcissism prevented me from accepting these home truths for many years).

If I had flat abs, no one told me; certainly my abs were keeping it a very good secret.

The victim mentality is rife, especially here in the States. I didn't see it as much in the UK but here people are just looking for an excuse to get offended.

Well said, my dear, dear friend. You are a great person for the kindness, and I have been the recipient of it many many times. I may have been deserving of it a time or two ;)

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

Yes! One thing that really bugs me about Americans (oh, where to begin!) is their victim mentality. No one is a drunk; they are a victim of a disease. No one is devoid of morals or empathy; they are a victim of their environment. The government and the news media propagate this attitude by talking about people as being "victims" of terror attacks, or "victims" of various diseases. Before you know it people are thinking of themselves as victims of everything under the sun. You're not a victim, people! Bad shit happens; it's part of life. If your happiness depends on nothing bad ever happening to you, then you will never be happy. The trick is to be happy despite whatever happens to you. Once you think of yourself as a victim, you attract more of what you're a "victim" of.

Droxy mentioned people creating unnecessary drama. I have found that the biggest drama queens are those who say repeatedly that they hate drama. They seems to go out of their way to create more of it, even as they are purportedly "fighting" it. (I think we both know to whom I am referring.) It's not just drama; we create everything in our experience... usually by resisting it. By "fighting" something, you give it energy and attention, thereby creating more of it. The Borg had it right: resistance IS futile. Don't resist anything; simply turn your attention to things that make you feel happy. We are as happy as we make up our minds to be.

[darklotus1211.livejournal.com]

Right there with you m'dear!

[duniazade.livejournal.com]

Life is a gift.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

It certainly is. And it starts at year dot. I waited for so many years, waiting for life to start. It took me a long time to realise that while I was impatiently tapping my feet at the starting line, life was already lapping me and moving on. I got a late start, but at least I'm in the race now.

[beffeysue.livejournal.com]

Exactly so and the key to every good thing we hope for.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

It seems so simple when you read these things, and yet so challenging to make ourselves learn to change. But always, always worth it.

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

Beautiful post, beautifully expressed, from a beautiful soul

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}} I'm so glad you liked it. When I read this, you and Draco immediately came to mind as people who put these things into practice. Your kindness and generous hearts are such loving examples of how to find that happiness we are all capable of experiencing.

[alabastard.livejournal.com]

We've had an escalation of horrible things tried against Us, but it's not in Us to roll over, and We were able to turn it around, with the watchful eyes and ears of others, of course. Staying positive, faithful and true to the Self, to Love, in all its forms... it is so essential, and so much more than the surface details we think will make us happy.

[delphipsmith]

::mad applause:: Too right :)

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Hey, we all gotta lift one another up.

[errandofmercy.livejournal.com]

Right in the feels!

;-; I actually had a really shit day today and have been grousing my fool head off. Reading this made me remember how lucky I am- to be eating food from my garden, with a roof over my head and a partner who forgives me even when I'm a mean, cold Slytherin.

*hugs* thanks for all you do, Teddy. :)

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you had a bad day, dearest, and I totally understand. Sometimes you just need to vent - we all do. And I think it's necessary, so that after you've let off steam, you can open yourself up to the positives. I think as long as we can do that, there is balance. You have to lance the wound to heal it; you have to vent to release the steam so you can fill yourself back up with positive energy.

Thank you for always being so supportive. It means the world to me.

[errandofmercy.livejournal.com]

*hugs* :)

[m-mcgonagall-65.livejournal.com]

Well said. Tips 2, 6, 7 and 8 are ones I find so, so important. Not that the rest aren't important, too, but these four in particular can take care of so many of our problems.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I totally agree - when I was reading this, I thought of how much better off I would be just to make that effort to put this in practice.

[justpinkpastel.livejournal.com]

It's amazing when things come along when you need them to.  I definitely needed to read this today.  Not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today.  You said all those things so eloquently and everything was well stated.  I will have to save this to remind myself every once in a while.  Thank you for putting into words exactly what I needed.  Dahlra had to have been speaking to Charlie.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Sweetie, I'm glad it was what you needed. When I read it, I felt exactly the same. I told TheHubs that I need to print this in big letters and post it by the door, so when I leave for work, that's the last thing I see before I leave the house.

I'm sure our Muses share with one another - the more I learn about them, the more I'm convinced they work together.

Are you on the muse_channels community yet? If not, please join. You will find it so helpful. It's a small community run by Mimi, and it's full of great motivational stuff regarding our Muses.

[blueartemis07.livejournal.com]

That was really excellent.

[kittylefish.livejournal.com]

thanks for sharing this. i actually do practice pretty much all these things as best i can, which is probably part of why i find myself mostly feeling pretty content in life. it is very handy having the reminder with all of them set out like that so clearly.

[sunnythirty3.livejournal.com]

Nicely put. I've always believed your happiness is your own responsibility and nothing to do with looks, fitness, wealth, clothes, a job, or any other person etc etc. Positivity is a state of mind you can choose if you so desire, because no matter how bad you think your life is, there's always somebody worse off. So be grateful for what you have and stop envying what you don't. And smile, it makes everyone wonder what you've been up to! :D

[lemonade8.livejournal.com]

I agree, happiness is a decision.

Just know that sometimes people regard kindness and forgiveness as weakness. Don't let them get you down, because how sad that they can't tell the difference- what a glaring character flaw. I think it (at times) takes a great deal of strength to be kind when it seems like it isn't deserved or to forgive when you are angry.

[justpinkpastel.livejournal.com]

Yes, I will definitely have to mark this entry so I can go back to it on days that I need to, which very well could be everyday.  I am a part of that community. I haven't had the chance to go through many entries yet, but I plan to in the near future.

[andyissadangel.livejournal.com]

Well, I've been doing that for the past couple of years. Not exactly like you wrote, but similar.
When people ask me how I am, I always answer I'm great. Even if I have a killing migraine, or am in a bad mood, I say great. Because they don't need to hear about my problems.
They also ask me how I can always be in a good mood. Well, why would I be in a bad mood? I have a roof over my house, food on the table, I have a job that allows me all that. I have people in my life that make me feel if not happy, then content. I may be in in love with a taken man, but that's how it is. I am okay with that, because I know it will pass.
I may lack some things I want to have, but I can survive without them. I make do as I am.
I smile a lot. Even to myself. Even if I look like a lunatic. I laugh at myself when I make a stupid mistake. Because I know that life is way too short to be in a bad mood.
I think about things that could be, will be, are happening. I fantasise. I hope. And I keep myself firmly in reality.
I tell myself constantly that my happiness doesn't depend on others. Because it doesn't. If it did, I would probably be six feet under by now, I admit. Even when people comment on how I can be happy when I'm single, and don't have kids... Well, it sucks for you that your happines depends on that. I am content with my life as it is. If there's a man for me in the future, he's welcome. If it's not, if love doesn't happen, so what? I'm not the only one, and certainly not the last one that won't have someone by her side. And I'm okay with that. I have other things that fullfill my life.

I know that this sounds incredible, that a person can be content as I am. That didn't happen just overnight. It took me a while to realise that some people just like winding people up for their own pleasure, to make them miserable. Not all people are there to give you a helping hand when you need it. Some just stand there and watch you drown.
I am still full of insecurities, yes. I will always worry about the future. Because that's my personality. I will always be insecure about some small things. But that is who I am. I will try to change some of them, and some I will leave be, because they make me feel alive, they remind me that I am only human. God know I am a perfectionist, and I expect perfection from others too. And I constantly have to remind myself that I, and the rest, are only human. That we all make mistakes.

And I never had flat abs. Flabby, yes, flat, no =)

Sorry for the long post, but I had a lot to say. So, dear Teddy, it's never too late to change the way you think.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Blue, your words are inspirational. Yes, life isn't all ha ha hee hee, and we do have to make our own happiness. I think that your attitude is both fulfilling and courageous, and I feel strengthened by what you have said.

I do wish you every happiness, and hope that you will daily find those things that make you happy and the means to achieve them.

[andyissadangel.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Teddy. I hope you'll find those things, too. I see that your writing, and your friends make you happy. Music, too. Stick to that. Rember only the good things, the bad ones are just there to teach us some lessons.