Catching UP

[teddy_radiator]

I feel like it's been absolute ages since I've de-lurked and actually wrote something. At least a couple of weeks. I am officially a 'theatre widow' for the foreseeable future as TheHubs™ works on first a play for September, then A Christmas Carol in December, and another one in April next year. I need to use the time to write, so we'll see how that goes. Lots of stories in my head; not too much impetus to get them out in the open for some reason.

Work is proving to be a frustrating mess right now. I won't bore you with the dreary details but this new computer system has everyone so screwed up it's not funny. We have been slogging along, trying to keep up, but it's just running us into the ground. It's nice to have work, but not when we are literally driving around hundreds of miles every week to do it. So much for this system being augmented to 'cut back on drive time'. Uh huh.

The Podcasts are really coming along well - I love editing and producing them, and folks tell us they like them. I hope so. We're enjoying ourselves, anyway, so that's good enough for me. We also have a new Twitter account, and I would love for  you to follow us - Teddy&TheBassman (@TednTheBassman ) so please feel free. if you would like a link to the podcast itself, you can listen HERE.

My Uncle Jim died this weekend, and the funeral is tomorrow. His death came as an absolute shock to us all - he was in relatively good health, and literally sat down after breakfast on Saturday morning, gave a little gasp, and was gone. As sad as it is, I can't think of a better way to go - in my home, with my loved ones, just taking a breath, and the lights going out. His wife, my Aunt Mona, said there was no pain, no struggle, nothing but a surprised intake of breath, then she was alone.

She is devastated. I can still remember the day they got married. I was maybe 8 or 10, and it was the first time I'd been to a wedding that took place in someone's home instead of a church. Jim had been married before, and had a son Michael. When Michael was little more than a toddler, Jim's wife Martha and Michael were involved in a terrible auto accident, and Michael was killed. I don't think Jim ever really got over it; it destroyed his marriage with Martha, and he married Mona quite a few years later. She doted on him shamelessly. She petted and babied him their entire marriage, and she's just devastated.

They lived a very quiet life, just the two of them - Jim told her from the start he could not bear the idea of any children after what happened to Michael - and we hardly ever saw them after they retired from work. Jim was a very quiet man; he had a low speaking voice, but a lovely tenor singing voice. He and Mona both battled addictions during their lives, he with alcohol and both of them with prescription drugs, but in their later years they were clean and sober and just kept to themselves. I had the chance to see them earlier this summer during a get-together, but we didn't go, and I regret it now, of course.

Funerals upset me, no matter whose they are or how close or not I was with the deceased. But I must go; poor Mona is not in great health, and they didn't have any life insurance to speak of, so the red tape of the next few weeks are going to be hellish for her, I suspect. They're having the funeral at a local church they didn't attend, so we will have to listen to someone who didn't really know Jim eulogise empty words about him. That's the part I hate the most; I don't think you should speak words over a stranger. I just wish they'd let us all just get up and say a few words about him or tell a story about Jim. It would be lovely to hear him sing, but to my knowledge there are no recordings available, even though he did sing solos often when I was a teenager. I even once sang a hymn he wrote. It's been a long time ago, and both mine and his hymn-singing days are long past, but I can still remember most of the chorus:

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, on this rock forever I'll stand
Jesus, Jesus Jesus, my heart is at your command
Savour, Master, keep me humble as I walk through this land,
Lead me, guide me, stay close beside me, my life is in your hands.

It's funny what you remember.

Comments

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry about your family's loss, especially your aunt. Losing a long time partner is one of the most devastating things that can happen to a person. I hope she has some form of support while she goes through this as well as with sorting everything out.

*hugs* I hope tomorrow isn't too hard on you.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thanks, babe. It was nice to see my relations, but a sad occasion to do it. My Aunt Mona was just pitiful. I was absolutely fine until she put her arms around me and whispered, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."

Broke my heart.

[nocturnus33]

I'm really sorry.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[bonsaibetz.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear your uncle died. My deepest sympathies.

And yes, it is sad when people who don't know the departed give the eulogy. My dad occasionally attend the local church, but hadn't for a while, and they had a new minister since the old one left under some uproar I'm not sure about. And when my mother-in-law passed away, it felt like a stranger read her eulogy at the funeral home. So you also have my empathies on that aspect as well.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

The pastor did a pretty good job. A little too much 'excuse to preach' in the service, but he understood that Mona needed words of comfort and tried his best to deliver them.

[hbart.livejournal.com]

Sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a spouse or child. And I hear you about funerals. When I go, I want like a carnival, or concert, or barn dance, or ... Anything but a funeral. I need to catch up on your podcast. I really enjoyed the first one, but haven't made it back for more. I do hope you get inspired to write. Even though you have a story or two I still haven't read yet, the idea of something new from you still excites me!

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

You sound like TheHubs™. He's already said there'll be no weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth. He wants a party.

I hope you enjoy the podcasts. I was especially thrilled that today my essay was posted on the F.W. Fife Blog - you can read it here: http://fwfife.com/2015/08/12/you-never-forget-your-first/

I hope to be writing soon. I'm trying to get some things written.

[tamlane.livejournal.com]

It's great to see a post from you, Teddy, though I'm sorry to hear about the sad news. Just this afternoon we received word at work that a retired employee and her husband had both been killed this morning in a car crash. She had actually just retired in February, and she and her husband were starting their new dream life together. But I couldn't help thinking, wow, that would definitely be my preferred way to go. Quick and relatively painless, but best of all, neither my husband nor I would have to grieve for the other. My heart goes out to your Aunt Mona. And what a touching story of Jim's life. It's too bad you can't get up and say a few words.

I hope the kinks (the bad kind ;)) get worked out soon at work. We went to an entirely new accounting system July 1st, and I'm still basically clueless as to how to use it, but at least I'm not burning up gas in the process.

Don't be a stranger!

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about this terrible accident. I understand what you mean, though. TheHubs™ and I were talking about it today, how hard it will be for either of us to deal with this. My poor Aunt Mona was so pitiful today. It was great to see all the aunts and uncles and cousins, and we all agreed it should NOT be the norm that the only time we see one another is for a funeral.

[arwitchywoman.livejournal.com]

Here is strength coming your way for the funeral. I understand exactly what you mean - I get all maudlin at them. Not necessarily for the person we've lost, but my emotions seem to subconsciously merge in solidarity with the grief of the family. It breaks my heart to see people in grief at a funeral.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. I actually held on pretty well, until I hugged my Aunt Mona, and she whispered, "I just don't know what I'm supposed to do now." It just tore my heart out.

[blueartemis07.livejournal.com]

Many hugs to you and yours.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much.

[gelsey.livejournal.com]

Miss seeing you around here. Sorry work sucks. I feel you on the writing.

So sorry for your loss.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie. I need to get back on my SED kick soon.

[smallbrownfrog.livejournal.com]

Work sounds like hell. I'm glad the podcasts are turning out to be just as fun as you thought they would be.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you - they really are a lot of fun, and I think it's a way to burn a little creative energy while the writing's a little thin.

[melusin-79.livejournal.com]

very sorry Teddy. Condolences to your family.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I appreciate that so much.

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

So sorry to hear of your loss, Teddy. *hugs*

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm so grateful for all my friends and your amazing support. It truly makes a difference.

[nia_kantorka]

Oh, I'm sorry about your and your family's loss.
I can relate to your thoughts about the eulogy for your uncle. It might be well meant, but it hurts everyone who did know the departed. Maybe everybody could say something about him at the reception if not at the funeral itself? Shared memories are such a help when one is in sorrow for a loved one.
*hugs*

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

The service was a little impersonal, but the pastor truly tried to bring comfort to my Aunt, who was so pitiful and helpless. I thanked him for that, at least. It got a little preachy, but no more than I anticipated. My cousin Jack sent a letter to the pastor, who read it aloud, and that was quite beautiful and personal and gave us all a great boost.

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your loss, Teddy. But, honestly -- that is exactly how I would want to go: not knowing ahead of time that my time was up, so that I could endlessly worry over it... no pain from some catastrophic illness... no feebleness of mind or body. Having had my relatives "rage against the dying of the light", I must humbly disagree with Dylan Thomas, and say that "going gently into that goodnight" seems vastly preferable.

As to the "stranger speaking over the deceased" aspect of it... might there be other times when you can pipe up (yes, it takes a bit of courage, but I think that people will appreciate it and remember it fondly) and say, "I'd like to say a few words, if I may" and do so? Either at the graveside or at the get together that usually follows? When you finish, you could ask if any others have memories that they would like to share. It would help personalize the whole event, and I think that the widow would appreciate people who knew him speaking from their hearts.

In any case, it was good to hear from you, despite the news.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

My cousin Jack actually sent an email to the pastor, who read it aloud, and that made a huge difference. It was, all in all, a nice service. Poor Mona was so helpless and pitiful. She broke my heart. Thankfully, we didn't have to 'view the body', which is still a 'thing' they do here, and I was grateful for that. Having to stand by my Dad's empty body was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

I got to see family I haven't seen in years, and we all agreed that a funeral is no good way to stage family reunions. I hope we can all get together more in future. Of all my dad's brothers and sisters, (there were originally eleven) there are only four now. We don't need to lose another before we get together again.

[darklotus1211.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to your aunt. As you said, when my time comes, as it must for us all, I hope I go out in as non traumatic a way, both for my own and my loved ones' sakes.

Over here, it's very usual, especially for Protestant services and less often Catholic (depends on the priest, but often a memorial service can be done just before or after the mass), for family members and loved ones to step up during a service and speak.

I'm not Christian, but we have many flavours of faith in our family, so I have attended different services.

My beautiful, well loved Mother in Law was Catholic, and her brother did the main Eulogy (and a beautiful tribute to her it was!) and we were all invited to come up and speak if we wished. After that was when the mass started. As she was taken out of the church, there was no hymn or gravid organ - she'd always said she wanted Billie Holiday's God Bless the Child, and that's what she got!

Perhaps a word to the minister or priest will sort that out?

I did the main Eulogy for my mum, but many others got up and spoke, too. Some of our friends got up and sang songs she loved and me and my siblings played and sang her out with one of my sister's original songs my mum loved. Mum would have loved it.

If that's not possible, then perhaps at the gathering afterwards? I think that it's important for people to be able to express themselves if they need to.

My thoughts go out to you and yours.

xxxxxxxx

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

That sounds beautiful. My mother and I were talking about it today. When my dad died, he had been ill for a long time, and had started planning everything years before he died. My uncle was a funeral director, so he helped out, and when dad died, all mother had to do was go to the funeral home and sign papers. All the big decisions had been made.

Mom wants to do that for herself, and I've encouraged her to do so. I want to honour her wishes. Today was beautiful and terrible and sad, and my Aunt is completely helpless right now. She's not in good health herself and is almost completely blind, and still in shock. But yes, as deaths go, it's the way I hope to go, peaceful and quiet and without fuss or anguish to anyone.

{{hugs}}

[stgulik.livejournal.com]

My heart goes out to you and your family. It's hard to lose a close family member. Your uncle sounds very special, the kind of person who held life precious, in his way. I hope your aunt gets the support she needs in the coming months.

It's possible to have a good service in an unfamiliar church. I hope your minister does his or her homework and honors your uncle as he deserves.

Re:

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie. It was actually a very touching service. All my uncles were there (the remaining aunt is currently in hospital - when mom called and said she had sad news, to be honest I thought she was calling about Aunt Francis), and I got to see many cousins I haven't seen in ages. Mona was absolutely pitiful, still in shock, still helpless. She is in bad health and almost completely blind, and when I put my arms around her she said, "Trace (all my aunts and uncles called me that), I just don't know what I'm going to do anymore."

That got me.

[iulia_linnea.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry for your loss. *hugs*

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[kellychambliss.livejournal.com]

Sorry about your uncle, my dear. And I agree totally about eulogies given by ministers who don't know the deceased. When my aunt's long-term partner died, the minister even called my aunt by the wrong name.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

The same thing happened at my Aunt's funeral. Since her childhood, she had been called by a nickname that everyone who knew her called her. The guy at her funeral kept calling her by her real name, and it sounded like he was talking about someone even WE didn't know. It was very disorientating.