Those Happy Menopause Blues

[teddy_radiator]

I can always tell when my hormones are fluctuating. I'm starting to recognise the symptoms. At least I know why I'm feeling lousy and my ectopic heartbeat is doing sommersaults in my chest. It always gets worse when the hormones wade in for a little free-range Teddy bashing.

Also, yesterday, I had a bit of a meltdown the likes of which I have never really had in public before. Now, anyone who knows me knows I cry too easily. I always have, and always will. Things move me to tears on a very regular basis, but usually it's quick and done and we all have a laugh at my sentimentality and move on. I mean, I made it through a very credible production of Les Miz with only a couple of soggy hankies. That's practically hard-hearted for me.

But yesterday, TheHubs™ and I went to see some friends of ours at a local theatre. I was looking forward to it - one of the main characters was played by a very dear person who has been so good and generous to us over the years, and I was looking forward to showing him some support. The other actor is another friend whom I like very much and hadn't seen in a while. The play was called Tuesdays with Morrie. It was about a teacher dying of Lou Gehrig's disease, and the student that comes to visit him every Tuesday until his death.

At first, I was bored to tears. It's not a very good play; it's clumsy attempts to tug at the heartstrings were predictable and uninspired, and to be honest, both guys looked a bit like they were phoning it in. It was the last day of the play, there weren't that many in the audience, the sets were terrible, and I was just ready for it to be over. Then they started talking about dying, and the guilt the younger man had about watching his dying uncle, and the discomfort he felt watching his old professor wasting away, and suddenly I was crying my eyes out. I mean, in the middle of this not-that-great play, I was sobbing.

The intermission came, and I was so overwrought that TheHubs™ actually looked alarmed. He asked me if I wanted to leave; I couldn't get out of the building fast enough. People were giving me funny looks, I was having trouble breathing, I was shaking and crying and my nose was running and I cried all the way home - a very uncomfortable 45-minute trip. Needless to say, TheHubs™ was NOT amused. Aside from being very embarrassed, he just couldn't understand what had happened.

I know exactly what happened. Aside from the hormones, today is the 15th anniversary of my dad dying. I carry a lot of guilt about his death. I was virtually absent the last six months of his life. I told myself it was because I was all wrapped up in TheHubs™ (we had just got together and were all lurved up then), but the reality is that I just couldn't deal with it. I couldn't deal with seeing my dad waste away, and change into someone I didn't recognise. I left my mother to handle it all. I lived two minutes away, and went to see him twice in the last six months of his life.

I don't know that I will ever forgive myself. I doubt it. I hope I will learn from this and never do it again, but I don't know. I only saw so many facets of myself in this crummy play, and it took me apart. Now I have a hard time talking about how much I miss my dad, because I don't feel I deserve to show my grief, since I didn't show him my love while he was dying. I almost can't talk about him to Mom, because it sounds so false to talk about missing him when I was the absent one. I didn't do it right then; I have no right to publicly mourn him now. Nowadays, when I think of my Dad, all I feel is regret. I have a hard time thinking of all the love and support he gave, because I don't deserve it. A medium once told me that my dad (in present day) thinks I'm being silly about not forgiving myself, but I can't even face him and agree on that either.

Jules believes I have learned from this, and the next time I won't allow my cowardice to rule my heart. I hope she's right.

Comments

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

I know that nothing anyone says here is really going to take away that down in the bones guilt you have about this.

But I think you need to forgive yourself because in the end, your intentions were not to cause hurt. You may have done so without meaning to, most especially to yourself, but you know that you loved your dad and your absence was not caused by malice.

It's part of the human condition to be short-sighted, or frightened, or even thoughtless, the people who truly care about us and are our true family and friends understand this and don't hold those failings against us when we're truly sorry for them.

This society gets too hung up on wanting us to feel badly for our mistakes, big and small, and in every petty argument and friendship break up I've had it has always come down to one party not being able to let go and say "hey, you fucked up, we all fuck up." and letting bygones be bygones.

In your mind, you fucked up, same as everyone does. Was it a big fuck up? To you, in your heart and perhaps to other people, yes. But it doesn't matter. You didn't mean to hurt anyone and your guilt does nothing but compound the pain of loss you already feel.

If your father loved you, and by your own accounting he most certainly did, he wouldn't like you holding onto this, and hurting yourself with it.

Try to let it go. Forgive yourself, make your apologies to anyone you feel should have one, your father, your mother, and then let yourself be about it.

You're human and you fucked up, everyone does. Give yourself a break, okay?

And I'm sorry you had to sit through what sounds like a painful show, especially since you couldn't get up and walk out.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your wise and comforting words, sweetie. Most of the time, I can be a little saner and more rational about it. I'm still not sure why this mediocre play was such a trigger, but I do strive to deal with a little better most of the time.

I do think Dad loved me very much, and I know he wouldn't want me to feel this kind of guilt and sadness over him.

[darklotus1211.livejournal.com]

Rest assured that your dad knew you loved him, my dear. I can't really add anything to the wonderful comment left by akatnamedeaster - wise words, indeed.

As to menopause, a little hormonal humour:




They forgot teary though - I used to blub at almost anything vaguely sentimental at one stage - those soppy telephone commercials, disney movies...you name it. It could be very embarrassing! Anything that would actually warrant tears...well...that really unleashed the floodgates!

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie! This made me smile so much. I realise a lot of it probably had to do with the hormones as well as the anniversary. I needed to talk about it, and I knew I would find the loving support here I needed to get me through today. Thank you both for being such supportive friends.

[droxy.livejournal.com]

This is nothing to be ashamed about. Hugs

[blueartemis07.livejournal.com]

You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are human. And my first thought, even before I read your line about the medium was "Her father already forgave her."

Take that as you will.

~hugs~

[kittylefish.livejournal.com]

i understand why you feel bad about this - because there's no take backs or do-overs, because you feel like your dad is gone - and he is from this physical world. in my experience, though, when you think about people who have passed, there is an essence of them that remains and that responds to that. you can tell your dad how sorry you are about how that happened, and he will hear you. in fact, he has heard you many times over the years, so he knows, and he forgives you. in fact, from where he is now, there is nothing to forgive. so the issue is really about you forgiving yourself. and all i can say about that is, we are all doing the best we can with the resources at our disposal in any given moment. you didn't want to deal with the reality of your father's situation, so you buried your head in the sand and hoped it would go away - at least, that's my take on it, and please forgive me if i'm putting words in your mouth that weren't the ones you would use. we all fuck up, like akatnamedeaster said. imagine if you were your best friend - what would you tell yourself about what had happened? i bet you wouldn't be still holding it against yourself and using it to beat yourself up.

and yeah, undoubtedly, hormonal shifts play their role. have you tried writing a letter to your father, or talking to him about it? also, you are 100% entirely entitled to feel grief. have you talked to your mother about it at all? my dad died rather suddenly and i had no chance to say goodbye, and i remind myself that he knew that i loved him, and i knew that he loved me. i'm sure your dad knew that too. finally, i will leave you with *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* (also, if we do another theta appt and you want to talk to your dad, that is a possibility.)

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. I have spoken to him many times, and I know he has forgiven me. It is, as you say, up to me to forgive myself. He wouldn't want me to beat myself up over this, and most of the time I can deal with it, but this caught me off guard.

I'm so sorry about your dad, and I know he was proud of his sweet, giving daughter.

I do want to do a theta session soon. Trev has some evenings rehearsing, so we would be able to do that in the evenings if you are free.

[kittylefish.livejournal.com]

m-th i can do after 6:30-7pm my time. other evenings are more variable, but possibly available. let me know when you might want to do it. *more hugs for good measure*

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I can possibly do next Tuesday evening, a week from tomorrow. I can let you know nearer the time! Thank you so much! I really feel like I need it.

[kittylefish.livejournal.com]

okay, sounds good. just let me know.

[ex-logospil.livejournal.com]

*very tender robed embrace*

[reynardo.livejournal.com]

Hormones suck, and the guilt can creep up on you without you even realising.

*enormous huggles*

And I know you're having trouble forgiving yourself. It feels like you missed your chance. But there are some rituals you could try to help yourself accept that you are human, fallible and have made mistakes. Things that were suggested to me were:

* write your dad a letter apologising, tell him how you feel about him, and tell him you still love him. Then burn it, and either scatter it on his grave/resting place, or if that's not possible, throw the ashes in the air on a breezy day and let them find him.

* Tell yourself you won't do it again, and work out what you can do instead. I was a fool, didn't keep up with a dear friend, felt guilty and didn't get in touch, and then found out a few years later that they'd died. I felt *terrible*. All I can do is to accept that I was an idiot, and realise that calling someone to say "I'm sorry, I've been slack and not kept up" is hard, but not nearly as hard as finding out you never can again.

* Make a small shrine to your dad, with a photo and maybe a flower or something that would have meant something to him. Take a middle-sized candle, light it, and put it in the shrine, and imagine that that is your visit to your dad. Tell the candle all the things you wish you had told your dad. If you can't do it all at once, do it over a couple of weeks. Don't be surprised if the most common thing you say is "I love you".

* Love yourself. You're a human (I think) and a person and a creature with a heart and a mind, and sometimes you're going to fuck up. Use it as a learning experience, say to yourself "Dammit. Bugger. I know what I did, though, and why, and I shall try my hardest to not do it again."

* Have another *hug*

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

I found myself nodding at what Kitty said, and I'm glad that you are scheduling a theta session with her. It will help a lot, I know.

I was going to suggest speaking with your dad, but I see from your response that you have already done that and you know that he forgives you. It is YOU who hasn't forgiven you. Please ask Dahlra for help in this. That's what our spirit guides are here for: to help us with every aspect of our lives. But we have to ask them. Please ask him to lead you to a way to forgive yourself. You know that he will do anything for you; he loves you so much.