A Quick Break In The Middle of My Real Job

[teddy_radiator]

This week has been one of almost non-stop writing. I have turned in my promptfest fic, which I'm fairly happy about, and I'm going to be uploading a brand new fic beginning tomorrow. It's called Snow Turns The World Deaf, which is probably the most cryptic title I've ever christened a poor fic, but that is what I was given, and that's what it has remained. It is a SSHGRL fic, and one unlike any I've ever really written. I do like it. It's told sparsely, and it's NC-17, of course. But it was written in answer to a challenge by the ever-wonderful stgulik, and it is dedicated to her and her friendship and dedication.

I've been thinking alot about writing, and writing fanfic in particular, since I returned from Con. The reaction I received from several wonderful people there offered me a feeling of recognition and validation I have never experienced before. If ever there was a place where someone like me can be made to feel like a rock star, it was at MISTI-Con. It also gave me an experience I will never allow to be repeated.

One night, while we were hosting a fairly boisterous party in our room, I was introduced to a cosplayer and Con attendee of some renown. When told I was a fanfiction writer, he told me rather loftily, "Oh, I don't read fanfiction."

It was on the tip of my tongue to say, "Perhaps you just haven't read the right fanfiction," but he is a darling of the Cons, and I'm just a jobbing would-be writer, and I didn't think it would a) be appreciated, orb) more to the point, change his mind.

It did leave me with a question - why do I write fanfiction? And why do some people in fandom look down their noses at it? Why, if I wish to eventually become known for my own work, does writing fanfiction still appeal to me?

There are several reasons I continue to write it, and I am citing those reasons mostly for my own recording, and unfortunately, I am going to inflict you with my half-baked theories and ideas. I hope you'll stay with me.

Back in March of 2010, I scoffed when my friend kmhmd suggested I read For The Potions Masters Amusement, one of the classic SSHG fanfics. I thought the idea of it was ludicrous. I mean, Severus Snape and Hermione Granger? WTF? Then one day, while surfing, I felt an irresistible pull to look it up - I mean, like someone in my head (and I now know who, of course) was adamantly insisting I find this story and read it. I was hooked. Instantly. I read more SSHG fanfic. Some was great, some not so great. But in every instance it just make perfect sense to me that this particular couple would be right for one another. After all the stuff I've read and written, they still make the most sense to me, bar none.

It is a ship that gets a lot of flack, I think - many see it as the 'Don't Stand So Close To Me' Lolita scenario, which I've never, never done, and would never write. I think the kind of art and fiction that perpetuates that scenario demean the ship, and give credence to those who say it's an inappropriate pairing. I respect this pairing so much, and I don't like it debased in any way. I'm stupidly protective of it, as if we SSHG shippers are the guardians of a very special treasure. I know that might cause more than a little eyerolling, but I'm a simple soul, and that's how I feel.

And still for almost a year I lurked, unable to get up the nerve to write anything until prodded by sempraseverus to write a story based on one of her drawings. The result was three fanfics in as many months - they poured out of me. It was like planes taxiing down a runway, each ready to take off as soon as the one in front took to the air. And people liked it. I was stunned; people actually liked what I'd done with this pairing they knew and loved so well.

Fanfiction did more than give me a more or less instant feedback access. It helped me grow, and become a better writer. In January 2011 I started a fic called Lay Me Low, with no real idea where it was going past the first two chapters. It was a test of faith - in myself, in my relationship with my Muse, whom I was just starting to come to grips with as who and what he was, and my own writing ability. It has taken me two and half years to come to the last couple of chapters of the story, and to finally realise what the story really meant. I now know why I did and said certain things - I'm telling you, some of the stuff I wrote was solely on trust, people - I had no idea where the plot was going. Only my Muse knew, and now I can look back on something I will always think of as one of the best things I have yet to write or possibly will ever write. And in that time, I have changed. I am not the same woman who started Lay Me Low in January 2011. I have grown in ways I never dreamed or dared, and I know that this fanfic has been one of the reasons.

I'm not the smartest person in the world. I'm not a literary scholar by any means. If I do anything right, it's by sheer dumb luck, and instinct, and recall of what I've read in the past that worked for other writers. I am not intelligent enough to appreciate literary cleverness; I just know what hits me emotionally, and that's what I strive for - a story that will touch people, and make them laugh and cry and dream. If a fic makes me giggle, or hurt, or want to put it in the freezer until I'm brave enough to see what happens next, then it is a great fic to me.

I am going to finish my novel this year, and make a huge dent in its sequel. I am also going to write fanfiction, my way, according to the whim and fancy of my Muse.

This month's objectives:
Her Minder - Chapters 20-23
Droxy's Folly 2 - 1/3 of it
Step Into My Parlour - SSHGRB story for christev
The Slave with lemonade8

Let me state proudly that I like writing fanfiction. Some of the best pieces of literature I have ever read were fanfics, and it is my fondest wish that in the future, when great SSHG writers are mentioned, I might be on the list. I don't care if I'm dead last; I'd just like to be known as someone who loved this ship and wanted to give them their happy ever after.

"Perhaps you just haven't read the right fanfiction." Next time, I will say it, darling or not. His remarks left me feeling like writing fanfiction was something to be ashamed of - and that I was an inferior writer because of it.

That's the last time I will allow that to happen.

Comments

[sabrebabe.livejournal.com]

I did ask him once why he didn't read fanfiction, and he was actually happy that I asked rather than try to fight him on it.

He has been trying to not "contaminate" his view of Snape. When he does cosplay, he is drawing from only what JKR has written, so as to keep the character thought process as close to canon as possible. For him, this is a character sketch, and when fangirls (and guys) intervene, it's hard to stay in that character mindset (and yes, he does end up breaking character at times). Like Droxy's cosplays, and my drawings, and your writing, this is his way of contributing to the fandom. He has read and read the series several times, and reads it again before each con he goes to, just to try to keep Professor Snape's character and thought processes fresh in his head.

And that is why he doesn't read fanfic.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Well,as I say, it was how I chose to accept what he said, not what he said. His reasons for not reading fanfiction are completely valid for him, just as my reasons for writing it are valid for me. It was how I reacted that prompted me to say, "That's the last time I will allow that to happen", not the fact that he doesn't read it.

I think the word 'contaminate' is a bit OTT, but there you go. Again, it's just my opinion. I know he's a really good friend, and this was not written to offend ;)

[lemonade8.livejournal.com]

Ah, that makes sense. That response wasn't the most charming one he could have come up with, but then again... he's being Snape. Snape is like a honey badger.

[jenidralph.livejournal.com]

I definitely hope that you never let anyone make you feel ashamed of anything you write.

Minerva's rockin' out, just for you.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I am so giving you some Icon Luuuurve.

[lemonade8.livejournal.com]

Well, you could go that route. You could be confrontational and say "Wow, you just made me feel really bad about how I have my fun. I hope no one ever gives you flack for dressing up like a fictional character. It feels terrible." Or you could do the subtle thing and say 'Wow. You must be very discerning.' in a tone that implies that his answer was one of the most boring things you'd heard all night. Because saying what he said instead of a more gracious "I've never ready any of that, but I hear people love it..." IS the more boring, intolerant response.

Or, you could chalk it up to just one of those things and be proud of what you do and have a blast regardless of careless comments. Your work is fun and creative and lovely. You don't have to worry about people who don't appreciate it. They may never want to give it a try and their acceptance isn't important in the long run.

Speaking of, can't wait to read your stuff. Who is the RB in the step into my parlor one, Regulus Black?

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Regulus Black is indeed the third member of the Step Into My Parlour story. I've been wanting to write one since forever, and I think I have a decent one in the works.

You are right - I need to just enjoy what I do, and not allow what others feel to colour my opinion of it.

[eoforyth.livejournal.com]

Hm, maybe I shouldn't answer when I'm sleep deprived and on painkillers, but I'm going to anyway

I never really read fanfic for many years, despite very good friends of mine being involved in it over many fandoms and years. My reason wasn't really defined, I just wasn't into most things deeply enough to care about reading 'further', beyond canon, or looking at stories that were often in a vastly different style to the originals. There were a few short parodies I enjoyed when shown, but I never went looking for it.

On the other hand, many of the filks I enjoy most are essentially poetic fanfic (try looking at the lyrics at http://www.filklore.com/songs/mindsuch.html ~ 'A Mind Such As Mine' by Chris Malme ~ couldn't find a music link, but it always makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck), interpretations, summaries, parodies, snapshots, extensions of scenes and characters, it's all there.

To be honest, in the end your cosplayer is really only portraying his interpretation of his reading of Snape, his own fan portrayal, much like those that try to write Snape 'in character'. It seems appropriate at this point for me to say I see no difference ;)

I know several published writers who originally wrote fanfic, and there is one who has award winning and best selling series on going who still celebrates around Christmas by offering fanfics to prompts on her personal and private blog as well as ficlets involving her personal characters and worlds. I can understand people having to abandon fanfic in favour of Ofic, especially when published/busy, but I can't understand why people feel they have to obliterate all trace of their earlier fanfic writing like it's a dirty thing they've grown out of ~ it was the platform that gave them the growth and courage to put forward that Ofic in the first place, the encouragement of knowing people liked their style.

As for preferring SS/HG, I don't think JKR did either of them many favours in canon for how integral they were, and they do have so much in common or that is complimentary, don't they ~ let's give them a bit of fun together ;)

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

As I said, it was more my reaction that I wasn't happy about. He has his opinion, and his reasons, and I have mine. I just didn't like the way I allowed what he said to make me feel like what I did was shameful in other people's eyes.

I'm not trying to say he was wrong; what I was trying to say was I took what he said in a way that I feel was wrong.

[madeleone]

I'm cheering at the thought of more Teddy fanfic! I love your stories and can't wait to read Lay me Low, I've been holding off because for the longer epic fics I prefer to read them from beginning to end. I'm happy that you're working on your o-fic, but I hope you will always love and keep writing SS/HG.

I had a similar reaction to the pairing myself when I discovered fanfic in 2007 (right after the release of book 7), an 'OMG you can't be serious' kind of reaction. I don't even remember who's story got me hooked, it may have been ladyofthemasque, or subversa, or someone else entirely. All I know is once I was hooked that is pretty much all I read for about 2 years.

Then I actually got brave enough to start writing too, and that was like an awakening for me. When I was young I used to dream of being an actress or a writer. But I grew up, got married, worked, raised a family and those dreams got shoved aside. So for me, writing fanfic is like living that dream. I write stories I love and people actually read them. :)

Let me state proudly that I like writing fanfiction. Some of the best pieces of literature I have ever read were fanfics, and it is my fondest wish that in the future, when great SSHG writers are mentioned, I might be on the list. I don't care if I'm dead last; I'd just like to be known as someone who loved this ship and wanted to give them their happy ever after. Never fear dearest, I am hear to assure you, you are already on the list, and nowhere near the last. ;-) Love ya, hon!

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you, dear one. I have always had this crazy idea that I could do things the way I wanted them, if only I had the courage. It's friends like you that make me feel I can be that courageous.

Thank you for your kind words. I just want this ship to be remembered as one with integrity and great stories. I think you and I will be carrying that torch with quite a few others.

[kittylefish.livejournal.com]

there are some amazing writers in fandom, and in this corner in particular, and i'm sure that many people count you in that number, no need to doubt that or your contribution. fanfic is a wonderful training ground for aspiring writers - for those of us who are interested in proving, there are so many wonderfully generous people who contribute their time and energy to helping us improve as writers. anybody who would talk about it negatively just doesn't realize the reality.

i never read fanfic until after all the books came out because i didn't want to get confused about what was canon and what was fanon (or in my mind at the time, what was 'real' and what was 'fiction,' lol). and i avoided ss/hg for a long time, but i fell in love with subversa's writing and i wanted MORE and it was all ss/hg so i slipped into the ship kind of sideways. i mostly only read stories that take place after hermione is out of school, and that's what i write because i still am not into all the teacher/student stuff, and i never will be. i find it icky. and i have a different otp, but i do love this pairing as well.

[gelsey.livejournal.com]

I don't understand how people in fandom don't at least read fanfiction. It's such an integral part of fandom. I may write only rarely these days, and rarely SSHG though mainly because I don't feel I get Severus' voice well. I love reading it however. I also love seeing some of my favorites do original stuff.

I really need to post more of my short stuff on AO3 and TPP. No where has all my stuff anymore, alas. I may noy be able to write epically, but I think I do short pretty well sometimes.

[mimimanderly.livejournal.com]

My first thought: Okay, dude, you're acting all supercilious because I write fanfiction. YOU ARE DRESSED AND ACTING LIKE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER!!! We are both geeky... just in different ways. So don't get all high and mighty with ME! Oh, snap!

My second thought: He did not "make" you feel inferior. You did that to yourself, babe. NO ONE can make you feel bad without your complicity. I'm not judging, believe me. I have problems in this area, as well. It's important to focus on WHY we do what we do -- because we love it! -- instead of seeking validation from without. Your fanfiction is better written than a lot of published authors original fics (Dan Brown, I'm looking at YOU, dude!), and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, it is more difficult to write for an existing character, because you have to stay true to the original concept while adding to it in a way that is believable. You have done that very well.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I have come to realise from the posts I have received that sometimes I really don't express myself well. My beef wasn't so much in what he said, but how I reacted to what he said. I realise that everyone is entitled to what they do, and I was more aggravated in how I responded than what he said. Okay, he could have not made it sound like, "I don't slaughter newborns for stemcells", but I chose to feel ashamed about it.

It was my choice to feel inferior - that's what my aggravation was about - my own choice and how I reacted to what he said.

[errandofmercy.livejournal.com]

I hear he also does birthday parties ;)

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

There are always going to be those people who raise their eyebrow at how some people have their fannish fun. I know better than anyone, I think, about how it feels to have people question your fannish love and have random people come across as saying "eww, how can you like -that-?" Hell, I've had people come out and say as much more than once. It sounds funny to say it but I've been pairing shamed, had backhanded compliments given to me, and all the rest. I've learned that if I want to be in fandom I need to grow a thicker skin, very much like in HS. :P

The thing is, those people aren't the ones I'm writing and drawing for and since this is something I do for enjoyment I don't need to validate my choices to anyone. Neither do you. That cosplayer is not who you are writing for. Remember that even though I know it can be hard when faced with what feels like derision. Trust me, I know because I forget that myself much of the time.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. The fault lay with me and how I dealt with his comment - I never mean to imply otherwise. People say what they're going to say - it's up to me as to how I respond to it, and I didn't respond in a way that I wish I had.

[errandofmercy.livejournal.com]

He was a darling of the cons
Hee hee - I think I know who you're referring to :p I had a similar experience with this individual at LeakyCon... though not downright condescending, it was a distinct turn-off.

Thank you for sharing these reflections! I really don't think there needs to be a separation between fanfic and original fiction - fanfic is a sort of playground where writers can grow. Fellow writers/readers tend to be extremely gentle but helpful critics, anything goes, and we are just happy to have more content. And when you do become a professional writer, we are often quite devoted followers ;)

I am excited to start reading your stories (for some reason it hadn't occurred to me before!) Who knows, maybe you'll sell me on SSHG? :p

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I don't want to come off as a villain - I know a lot of people think very highly of him - what I was trying (and very poorly, it seems) to say was his comment made me react in a way I didn't like. Sure, you're not always going to see eye to eye with someone, but I shouldn't let that question who I am. I am the only one who can choose to get pissed off. I should have dealt with it better.

I would love for you to read my stories. I would suggest you start with Lemon Squeezy, which isn't SSHG at all, but something near and dear to my heart! See, mention me and my ego, and I'm all happy again! Why, yes, shallow much! ;)

[sixpence-jones.livejournal.com]

For what it is worth, I think an 'Okaay, could you pass the mead' is a better response than many you could have made. You remained polite and you changed the subject. Only a true lady handles herself so well, no matter how badly her feathers have been ruffled.

How we feel is so much harder to control. When you get the hang of that, please let me know as I need some tips!

Also, your stories - particularly The Black Eyed Angel - have given me some of the greatest pleasure that reading of any kind has ever brought me. I just had to tell you that even though I know it wasn't the point of your post.
I will stop now before I descend any further into desperate fangurlishness.
:)

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I am trying to learn, and my Muse is a patient teacher, but I do let things get to me that shouldn't more often than not. Thank you, thank you for that lovely compliment. I appreciate it more than I can say. Especially for that fic, which isn't as well known as others. Thank you. I don't think you sound desperate - you sound like music.

[delphipsmith]

An act of creation is always something to be proud of, be it a painting or a story or a chunk of elegantly written computer code.

...I am not intelligent enough to appreciate literary cleverness...

As someone we all know once said, "There are better things than cleverness...friendship and bravery" (had she been a little older she would no doubt have added "and love"). I tend to equate literary cleverness with pretentiousness, an author in love with their own shrewdness and wanting to show it off. "See how smart I am? See that neat trick I did??" Give me an honest tale any day, one written with real feeling and a genuine love of the story, not as an excuse for a writer to preen their own feathers.

If I do anything right, it's by sheer dumb luck, and instinct, and recall of what I've read in the past that worked for other writers.

Don't sell yourself short, m'dear. It may look like "luck" and "instinct" but I suspect it's actually an excellent sense for the rhythms of language and a true dedication to The Story. I'm not sure if the latter is down to Nature or Nurture, but I do know that the best way to hone the first is, yes, by reading a lot of other good writers and learning from them :)

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

I have such admiration for your work. Some of the most emotive and brilliant fics I've read this year have come from your talented quill. And I do get the feeling that your sense of rhythm and human nature is so honed by your craft. I try to feel that rhythm (mostly by reading out loud, which I think is one of the best ways to get the feel for a story), and I know I've grown, and that fanfiction has gone a long, long way to helping me grow as a writer. I've been influenced by some great authors, but fanfiction taught me how to find my own voice.

[duniazade.livejournal.com]

Some of the best pieces of literature I have ever read were fanfics

Absolutely! Fanfic is in no way inferior to ofic.

And SSHG is the best of ships - since I've discovered it I have hardly read anything else.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Hear, hear!

[christev.livejournal.com]

Wow, what an interesting bunch of commentary you've inspired here! Cons are interesting, in that instead of being a gathering of very similar people, it ends up being a gathering of quite different people who all love the same thing, but who express that love in so many different ways! From the cosplayers to the fanfic writers to the artists to the literary critics/analysts and so on. We're all fans of one type or another. It bugs me that one type of fan would be that ungracious to another type of fan (and I hear you, you were disappointed in your reaction, but still, dude was insensitive).

The wonderful thing for me about Misti was that even in our differences, it was so cool to revel in our shared love of the characters and their stories - whether we choose to remain in canon or completely play outside the lines.

Well, that and meeting several more idols of mine. It always amazes me when I meet incredibly talented people who are so surprised at people fangirling them, and so humble in light of their awesomeness. I include you in that group. All I can say is, I'm so glad you decided to publicly add your voice to the incredibly talented group of authors of HP fanfic, and SSHG fanfic in particular. <3

And of course, looking forward to your list of upcoming goals, my last word can only be: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie, meeting you was one of the absolute highlights of the Con for me, and one that I revisit in my memories over and over.

It is a fascinating thing, Con, and you truly come to understand what it is about the fandom you love, being surrounded by all these fascinating people.

I hope you will enjoy all that's coming up ;) I am really excited by all of it as well!

[hbart.livejournal.com]

I am really late to the game here, but I felt the need to comment anyway. You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about in writing fanfic. Especially when you do it so well. But, I am understand your reservations speaking up. Reading fanfic is my dirty little secret. My husband is well aware, but no one else knows. And it isn't because I think there is anything wrong with it, per se, but because I think the automatic reaction of someone who isn't fully immersed in the world of fanfic is that it is a ridiculous thing. I certainly felt that way before my husband goaded me into reading it instead of whining about how many days were left until the next book arrived on the shelves. Anyway, even though I know how wonderful it is, and the high talent level of some of the writers in our little corner of the world, I feel like if I tell someone, and they laugh about it or make some snide comment, that it devalues it in some way. Like I don't want them to think I am reading some silly garbage, the Mary Sue fic of a teenaged girl rather than some very well thought out, emotion filled, wonderfully written adult fiction. But unless they experienced it for themselves, they would never understand, and there is really no way to defend it. So, I just never say anything.

That was long-winded and probably doesn't make sense, but I get where you are coming from. And, I am glad that you have decided that you will not sit quietly when it comes to something so important to you. You have written plenty to be proud of, and I hope it is only the tip of the iceberg from you.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. You are always so amazingly encouraging, and I cannot thank you enough. This post cost me a friendship, but you are right. I stand by what I said, even though that was the price to pay.

I don't want people to think of this ship as being a bunch of oddballs, especially when, as you say, the level of writing is so high. I am proud to be part of it, and I want it to be taken seriously. It is my fondest wish that one day people will read fanfiction the way they read it back in the 70's, as a part of the lore of the original series it is based upon. We are leaving behind a legacy that never goes away in the internet universe; I want that legacy to be one we can all be proud of in every way, be it writers, cosplayers, readers, crafters, etc.

Thank you for your kind words about my writing. I can't thank you enough for that.