Teddy Radiator (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
teddy_radiator) wrote2016-01-23 10:11 am
teddy_radiator) wrote2016-01-23 10:11 am
Entry tags:
In Which Cowardly Teddy Raises Her Head Above The Parapet
Well, it's been a strange and painful week, to say the least.
It's snowing to beat the band in my little Southern neck of the woods, so I hope wherever you are that you are warm and safe and don't have to battle any bad weather where you are.
This past week has been very difficult for me. I had to go underground. The death of Alan Rickman hit me like a ton of bricks. Normally, TheHubs™ is the first out of bed and the first online, and he is the one who broke the news that David Bowie had died. A very sad thing, and one that we'd spent a lot of drive time discussing. On the particular morning in question, however, I was the first one online, and the first thing I saw when I logged in was![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
irishredlass' FB post announcing Alan Rickman had died. I was absolutely devastated. I sat here and cried my eyes out for a solid hour. I shocked myself at how emotionally overwrought the news made me. It was at that moment I posted my one and only tribute to him, because I was still in shock.
As the morning passed, even seeing his photo sent me into a tailspin. I shut down LJ and FB feeds online, because of all the tributes coming in. I found them so upsetting - I couldn't look at them.
It's been a very hard week to get my head around my own reaction to this man's death. I spend a huge amount of time inside my own head, and I was surprised at the amount of space he hadtaken up in there. He had been such an inspiration for the way I wrote Severus Snape, and indeed my own character Dahlra Gar. I thinkmywitch put it the most succintly, when we were talking about it, and I found a lot of comfort in knowing that my feelings and how I reacted to them were not isolated. mywitch, as well as you all, were a lot braver than me - you took the time to read the beautiful messages and tributes and articles about him. I still can't. I still scroll past any photos of him and avoid any articles. I still don't know all the details of his illness. I can't think about it. I realised then what a coward I am - you mourned and showed your grief by talking about him and posting the beautiful photos of him - I mourned by shutting all of that out of my life.
I have always been one of those who scoffed when people became distraught over the death of a celebrity. I used to be the first to say, "Oh FFS, you never even met him, and he certainly never knew you!" or "You didn't know him or spend any time with him, how can you be so upset?" or the ever convenient, "Oh, grow up for goodness sake!"
Oh karma, please let my words be sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.
I have become one of those people I jeered at. I have withdrawn to the world of work and external stimuli like coloring books and movies. I fled the space in my head where he once resided. It's cold and lonely out here, and even as much as it is empty inside, at least it was a place I understood. It's where my imagination lies, and getting back has been a chore. Because stories are popping up in my head right and left; I am being compelled to write, but getting the information from my head to my fingers seems a Herculean task. I'm so very slow now, where once I could write for hours and hours and not come up for air. It's frightening to be this blocked off. I don't have writer's block; I have typist's block.
Well, anyhoo, that's the way of my week. I want to thank those of you who were so thoughtful and checked up on me. Several of you wrote me and said, "The moment I heard the news I thought of you." That is so very nice of you. I don't know what I've done to deserve that, but thank you.
And in the midst of all this, we had put out a podcast. You can tell we did the majority of the recording before all the bad news happened - we're very jocular and our subject matter is still quite New Years-ish. Still, I think it's a pretty good podcast if you'd like to have a listen. You can hear it by clicking on the graphic below:
Well, I'm going to attempt to write a little more today, if for no other reason than to try and warm myself up. I hope you are all okay, and I hope you will forgive me for not being more involved in the community at a time when the rest of you banded together and faced the news as a community.
It's snowing to beat the band in my little Southern neck of the woods, so I hope wherever you are that you are warm and safe and don't have to battle any bad weather where you are.
This past week has been very difficult for me. I had to go underground. The death of Alan Rickman hit me like a ton of bricks. Normally, TheHubs™ is the first out of bed and the first online, and he is the one who broke the news that David Bowie had died. A very sad thing, and one that we'd spent a lot of drive time discussing. On the particular morning in question, however, I was the first one online, and the first thing I saw when I logged in was
irishredlass' FB post announcing Alan Rickman had died. I was absolutely devastated. I sat here and cried my eyes out for a solid hour. I shocked myself at how emotionally overwrought the news made me. It was at that moment I posted my one and only tribute to him, because I was still in shock.As the morning passed, even seeing his photo sent me into a tailspin. I shut down LJ and FB feeds online, because of all the tributes coming in. I found them so upsetting - I couldn't look at them.
It's been a very hard week to get my head around my own reaction to this man's death. I spend a huge amount of time inside my own head, and I was surprised at the amount of space he hadtaken up in there. He had been such an inspiration for the way I wrote Severus Snape, and indeed my own character Dahlra Gar. I think
mywitch put it the most succintly, when we were talking about it, and I found a lot of comfort in knowing that my feelings and how I reacted to them were not isolated. mywitch, as well as you all, were a lot braver than me - you took the time to read the beautiful messages and tributes and articles about him. I still can't. I still scroll past any photos of him and avoid any articles. I still don't know all the details of his illness. I can't think about it. I realised then what a coward I am - you mourned and showed your grief by talking about him and posting the beautiful photos of him - I mourned by shutting all of that out of my life.I have always been one of those who scoffed when people became distraught over the death of a celebrity. I used to be the first to say, "Oh FFS, you never even met him, and he certainly never knew you!" or "You didn't know him or spend any time with him, how can you be so upset?" or the ever convenient, "Oh, grow up for goodness sake!"
Oh karma, please let my words be sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.
I have become one of those people I jeered at. I have withdrawn to the world of work and external stimuli like coloring books and movies. I fled the space in my head where he once resided. It's cold and lonely out here, and even as much as it is empty inside, at least it was a place I understood. It's where my imagination lies, and getting back has been a chore. Because stories are popping up in my head right and left; I am being compelled to write, but getting the information from my head to my fingers seems a Herculean task. I'm so very slow now, where once I could write for hours and hours and not come up for air. It's frightening to be this blocked off. I don't have writer's block; I have typist's block.
Well, anyhoo, that's the way of my week. I want to thank those of you who were so thoughtful and checked up on me. Several of you wrote me and said, "The moment I heard the news I thought of you." That is so very nice of you. I don't know what I've done to deserve that, but thank you.
And in the midst of all this, we had put out a podcast. You can tell we did the majority of the recording before all the bad news happened - we're very jocular and our subject matter is still quite New Years-ish. Still, I think it's a pretty good podcast if you'd like to have a listen. You can hear it by clicking on the graphic below:
Well, I'm going to attempt to write a little more today, if for no other reason than to try and warm myself up. I hope you are all okay, and I hope you will forgive me for not being more involved in the community at a time when the rest of you banded together and faced the news as a community.
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I think, in many ways, he was the final catalyst in finding Dahlra. All my life, up until now, I had seen glimpses of him, felt his presence, understood there was something more but not 'getting' it. It's like I'd been gathering pieces of Dahlra up through the years, and when I saw HIM as Snape, this embodiment of dark-haired, dark-eyed, severely beautiful, soft-spoken and strong, that the final piece locked into place, and the years of frustration and confusion were suddenly made straight. I will always be grateful to him, not only for the body of work he produced, not only for his beautiful voice and face and integrity, but for being that last puzzle piece that made my own life snap into focus.
I still feel absolutely gutted when I think he's gone - so very young, as you say. I think he had more to do, and planned to do more. It's a sadder, greyer world without his musical voice and beautiful face. I think it will be a long time before I can read all the tributes. I posted a photo today on FB, and that felt like a gargantuan step to me. Just seeing his face or reading his name still distresses me. I am just so grateful I'm among friends here who understand. {{{Hugs}}}