In Which Cowardly Teddy Raises Her Head Above The Parapet

[teddy_radiator]

Well, it's been a strange and painful week, to say the least.

It's snowing to beat the band in my little Southern neck of the woods, so I hope wherever you are that you are warm and safe and don't have to battle any bad weather where you are.

This past week has been very difficult for me. I had to go underground. The death of Alan Rickman hit me like a ton of bricks. Normally, TheHubs™ is the first out of bed and the first online, and he is the one who broke the news that David Bowie had died. A very sad thing, and one that we'd spent a lot of drive time discussing. On the particular morning in question, however, I was the first one online, and the first thing I saw when I logged in was irishredlass' FB post announcing Alan Rickman had died. I was absolutely devastated. I sat here and cried my eyes out for a solid hour. I shocked myself at how emotionally overwrought the news made me. It was at that moment I posted my one and only tribute to him, because I was still in shock.

As the morning passed, even seeing his photo sent me into a tailspin. I shut down LJ and FB feeds online, because of all the tributes coming in. I found them so upsetting - I couldn't look at them.

It's been a very hard week to get my head around my own reaction to this man's death. I spend a huge amount of time inside my own head, and I was surprised at the amount of space he hadtaken up in there. He had been such an inspiration for the way I wrote Severus Snape, and indeed my own character Dahlra Gar. I think mywitch put it the most succintly, when we were talking about it, and I found a lot of comfort in knowing that my feelings and how I reacted to them were not isolated. mywitch, as well as you all, were a lot braver than me - you took the time to read the beautiful messages and tributes and articles about him. I still can't. I still scroll past any photos of him and avoid any articles. I still don't know all the details of his illness. I can't think about it. I realised then what a coward I am - you mourned and showed your grief by talking about him and posting the beautiful photos of him - I mourned by shutting all of that out of my life.

I have always been one of those who scoffed when people became distraught over the death of a celebrity. I used to be the first to say, "Oh FFS, you never even met him, and he certainly never knew you!" or "You didn't know him or spend any time with him, how can you be so upset?" or the ever convenient, "Oh, grow up for goodness sake!"

Oh karma, please let my words be sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.

I have become one of those people I jeered at. I have withdrawn to the world of work and external stimuli like coloring books and movies. I fled the space in my head where he once resided. It's cold and lonely out here, and even as much as it is empty inside, at least it was a place I understood. It's where my imagination lies, and getting back has been a chore. Because stories are popping up in my head right and left; I am being compelled to write, but getting the information from my head to my fingers seems a Herculean task. I'm so very slow now, where once I could write for hours and hours and not come up for air. It's frightening to be this blocked off. I don't have writer's block; I have typist's block.

Well, anyhoo, that's the way of my week. I want to thank those of you who were so thoughtful and checked up on me. Several of you wrote me and said, "The moment I heard the news I thought of you." That is so very nice of you. I don't know what I've done to deserve that, but thank you.

And in the midst of all this, we had put out a podcast. You can tell we did the majority of the recording before all the bad news happened - we're very jocular and our subject matter is still quite New Years-ish. Still, I think it's a pretty good podcast if you'd like to have a listen. You can hear it by clicking on the graphic below:

Well, I'm going to attempt to write a little more today, if for no other reason than to try and warm myself up. I hope you are all okay, and I hope you will forgive me for not being more involved in the community at a time when the rest of you banded together and faced the news as a community.

Comments

[hbart.livejournal.com]

I have a lot to say about this, so settle in young lady. I was actually glad to hear you say that you hid and that you feel like your brand of mourning was inappropriate. Not because I want you to feel bad about your week, but because you said exactly what I was feeling. On the other side. I was shocked to see that Alan Rickman died, especially on the heels of David Bowie. I hadn't even known he was sick. I'm not sure if that is because I don't keep up with celebrity news much, or because British actors are so much more classy about their private lives than many in Hollywood. But I took to social media where people were crying their eyes out, staying home from work, devastated by this news, and all I could think about was how freakishly unaffected I felt. I actually felt guilty that I took five minutes out of my day to grieve the loss, then went about my day. I, too, had to stay off social media because people's reactions made me feel bad about my lack thereof. I think perhaps for me, I work in a business where death is a daily thing, and it isn't that I've removed the import from a person's life and death, but that I've become a little numb in order to survive the constant blow of losing someone. That said, I'm something of an expert on grief and loss, so I will say to you (and to myself), the only right way to grieve and mourn is your own way. No two people are alike, and no one can tell you how you should react to a situation, or how you should feel, or how you should respond. So, hide if you want. Spew forth tributes if you want. But don't ever apologize for something you've not done wrong. *hugs you*. If I'm going to hide for anything, it'll be because we sent a blizzard your way. Sorry. :)

[akatnamedeaster.livejournal.com]

all I could think about was how freakishly unaffected I felt.

That's where I was and I felt oddly guilty about it. There were people who wrote me to tell me that they were wondering if I was okay and worried about how I'd handled the news and it felt awful to say, while it was a sad thing and I was hurting for the people who were very affected and for my fandom which seemed to be in mourning, that I myself, was fine. I never enjoyed the HP films and I while had enjoyed AR's work in the films I'd watched him in, I never had the sort of connection to him on a personal so many people I know seemed to.

It's one of those things that you really can't expect a uniform reaction to, everyone's going to deal with it in the way they have to.

[teddyradiator.livejournal.com]

So YOU'RE to blame for the .8 inches of snow that blanketed - er, dusted my lawn!

Thanks babe. You always have a great way of looking at things.