Ugh, yuck, what an ordeal! I can't imagine the bride wasn't at least a little chagrined at making you all stand outside in the pouring rain just to come in on a horse! And I say that as someone whose outdoor wedding was ruined by a hurricane. I understand being upset that things don't go as planned but damn, contingency plans are your friend!

No comment on having your guests eat where animals shit. I mean, one would think you wouldn't have to comment on that. 0_o

I chuckled when I read that you bugged out to get drunk and eat pizza. Excellent plan! The whole thing sounds like a grade A clusterfuck.

(You need to write some humor fic, you have a knack for bringing the funny.)