Teddy Radiator (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
teddy_radiator) wrote2013-12-19 08:53 pm
teddy_radiator) wrote2013-12-19 08:53 pm
Entry tags:
In Which Teddy Gets Wistful
I am just so grateful for all the amazing cards and gifts I've received from so many of you. Between them, the sentimental and serious music of Christmas and my own insecurities, my old feeling of unworthiness threatens to rear its ugly head. It's an evil bird, voracious and greedy, and in the past I would feed it, because it felt too strong to defy.
Thank you all, for helping me to remember that it's up to me to either feed that bird or starve it. There was a time when I believed that to starve that evil bird was to starve myself. I thought it was what I was supposed to feed. It's due to my dear friends here that I've learned my own measure of self-worth. Thank you for that.
I still struggle; I still am afraid of failure - so desperately afraid. And in the past that fear made me quit rather than face it. No more. I will try to be successful; I will keep trying, because you believe in me, and gave me the support and encouragement to believe in myself.
It's funny; a couple of weeks ago I did that meme about locking me up in your house for 24 hours and what you would do with me. I will admit I expected a rather one-dimensional request - talk about smut or D/s or smexxy stuff. Instead, you asked me to read to you, and make tea and talk about Muses and all the things that make me feel talented. You pointed out my strong points; it was me who had the one-dimensional view of how I thought others perceived me. It was a very eye-opening meme - probably one of the best I've ever done.
I apologise for sounding so self-absorbed; I've been taught that this level of self-awareness was conceit and sinful and wrong. I'm just learning that believing in myself isn't something to be ashamed of. You did that.
I think about Con, and how special it was, getting to meet my friends, and sharing such an amazing week with you. It was, in its own way, a type of Christmas - full of good cheer and peace and goodwill and like-minded folk getting together to celebrate something amazing. It still resonates in my heart like a voice, rich with melody and vibrato and talent. And I was part of it! Truly one of the highlights of the year, if not the highlight.
2014 is approaching; we're almost in the station, and it feels like a beginning of something good - and the end of something. I get superstitious at really good Christmases - I start to become afraid it's too good, like it's my last. Please don't misunderstand - I feel fine, I don't think I'm ill, I'm not depressed, but I've just felt that way this Christmas, as if 2014 is the end of something. I've had that feeling before - like a Christmas was going to be my last, and I'm still here. It's just a thing that happens. I have big plans for the next year, and dying isn't one of them.
In any case, I truly hope not - I'm going to MISTI in 2015, and I certainly don't plan on going as a ghost.
Thank you all, for helping me to remember that it's up to me to either feed that bird or starve it. There was a time when I believed that to starve that evil bird was to starve myself. I thought it was what I was supposed to feed. It's due to my dear friends here that I've learned my own measure of self-worth. Thank you for that.
I still struggle; I still am afraid of failure - so desperately afraid. And in the past that fear made me quit rather than face it. No more. I will try to be successful; I will keep trying, because you believe in me, and gave me the support and encouragement to believe in myself.
It's funny; a couple of weeks ago I did that meme about locking me up in your house for 24 hours and what you would do with me. I will admit I expected a rather one-dimensional request - talk about smut or D/s or smexxy stuff. Instead, you asked me to read to you, and make tea and talk about Muses and all the things that make me feel talented. You pointed out my strong points; it was me who had the one-dimensional view of how I thought others perceived me. It was a very eye-opening meme - probably one of the best I've ever done.
I apologise for sounding so self-absorbed; I've been taught that this level of self-awareness was conceit and sinful and wrong. I'm just learning that believing in myself isn't something to be ashamed of. You did that.
I think about Con, and how special it was, getting to meet my friends, and sharing such an amazing week with you. It was, in its own way, a type of Christmas - full of good cheer and peace and goodwill and like-minded folk getting together to celebrate something amazing. It still resonates in my heart like a voice, rich with melody and vibrato and talent. And I was part of it! Truly one of the highlights of the year, if not the highlight.
2014 is approaching; we're almost in the station, and it feels like a beginning of something good - and the end of something. I get superstitious at really good Christmases - I start to become afraid it's too good, like it's my last. Please don't misunderstand - I feel fine, I don't think I'm ill, I'm not depressed, but I've just felt that way this Christmas, as if 2014 is the end of something. I've had that feeling before - like a Christmas was going to be my last, and I'm still here. It's just a thing that happens. I have big plans for the next year, and dying isn't one of them.
In any case, I truly hope not - I'm going to MISTI in 2015, and I certainly don't plan on going as a ghost.